I can't write on here.

You know how sometimes you feel violated if people read things? That might be how I am feeling lately. I have these continual thoughts of my mother reading this and how taken aback she would be by it. It doesn't take much to shock my mom if it is coming from me- in her eyes, I am more angelic than the highest angel-- unflawed even. But this- through this I seem so jaded. And so selfish. A constant me- attitude flows through my works. Yeah- I think this is all I want to say right now. Good-bye.

I don't know what I want. And I don't know what I don't want.

Even the slightest doubts seem to cast shadows on the current reality.

When you look back at your life, sometimes it seems as if you jump from one life to another and that the life you lived once before can in no way be the same life you are living now, but another life, like one in the movies or that of a friend that you would like to spend just one day in. Some memories are not so long ago yet they are still covered with that dream-like film that makes it seem as if you could have never been the one to experience them. You hardly remember the person you were at that time. But you remember that all in all, those days were good, as good as the days you have now. But there is something different about the past, something that you no longer have. Maybe it is a certian freedom, a certian knowledge inside yourself. And as hard as you try to grow- even to grow up- there is something about those times past that call to you as much as you know that today is in so many ways better than those other days...

Every year in my life seems a little easier. Events and relationships come together and everything has this unity and continuity that were never there before. I know that some people might not believe me, but with time, all those deamons that I am told I am fighting- they disappear. Things have been changing. Relationships. Me. I'm not longer that weak little girl that cannot do anything right. I've grown up and while I still have a lot of growing to do, I, of all people, can see progress. I don't have the liberty to give up anymore. There is too much left for me to do. Relationships- they grow and change as the people involved in them do. I cannot be seen in the same way that i used to be because I am no longer that person. I cannot see him in that way because- not only is he no longer that person, but I dont know if he ever was... And somehow- everything is finially coming to a closure- almost by itself. And maybe you dont believe me... but somehow, with time, things have a way of working themselves out- even when it is in your head that they need to be worked out.

Because I haven't written in so long and because I some how have everything to say while simultaneously having nothing.

Everyday when I leave for work, I take the same road out of my neighborhood and close to every morning I see these two women walking. When I first saw them, one was using a walker. Taking small steps, her and the other woman would barely make it to the corner (maybe two or three houses down) near thier house before they would turn around and go back. They always moved slowly with the one woman supporting the other who used the walker. Today though, I saw these two women. They had crossed the street at the corner and the one that had been using the walked was now steadying herself on a cane. There was something in that progress, such a simple and pure feeling of happiness. I felt so happy for that woman. That she was going to be ok and that she was making it. Little things like that sometimes seem like the biggest- they keep me thinking for a long time.

I was waiting for my parents to go to bed. Tonight's arguments seemed worse than usual for some reason even though I cannot pinpoint any real evil in them. Sometimes you can feel yourself moving- that odd consciousness of how your body interacts with the air around you and floor beneath your feet- the distance to the ground from your head, your hands, your lifted foot with every step. Almost an out of body experience, watching that fluidity that comes only when you are alone, only when you are stuck in some moment... maybe not that present one- the past or the future... some moment that you know so well that you travel there when you aren't even thinking and from that safe place, you watch everything happen- to you, around you.

I walk down the stairs- noting every step- It's slightly after 9, late enough for it to be fully dark. All the lights are off downstairs, yet there is this glow. I don't know if the light is flowing in from the street lamps or if there is a bit of sunlight left off in the distance. Sometimes the world seems to conform to you and provide the atmosphere for your moods.

I do not know what I was feeling tonight. - I dont know if it was simple sadness or if it was hopelessness or dispair. I just know that I am not happy on a regular basis. Nothing seems right and I don't think its me being pessimistic. I really dont think things are right in my house anymore. Everything has changed. Coming home this summer- it is harder than it was last time. The fighting never stops- and mostly, it isnt even me, but them. I dont know. I guess I am still wishing that they got a divorce. Sometimes- I dont know- maybe sometimes that's not a bad thing. Im 20 years old and still, seeing my parents fighting- and being able to recognize how unhealthy it is and how little they actually communicate- it still affects me. Maybe I am only home 3 months out of the year--- but I dont know... It just seems that maybe love isnt really what they have anymore. After 22 years of being together- I dont know- maybe it is just so comfortable that neither would get out... i just wish one of them would realize...

The fear of randomness is often quite restraining.

Of all the things I have learned in my escapades, besides the "BIG" lesson, the most useful and valuable is that people are different, not better or worse than each other, just different. Everyone has thier own tempo, their own series of movements, thier own way of doing those things that they do. No one outranks someone else, it is simply whether or not thier movements fit with your own. When you breath, do you breath together? When you meet each other's eyes, do they meet or just miss? When you move, do you roll together, or does someone drag or rush the motion? It isnt ever that someone is better, it is simply that the two of you fit together better than all the rest...