it gets so still on these rainy nights when everyone seems to disappear as if they were little animals scurrying away into thier humble abodes deep inside the earth--- just waiting for the sun to come out again---

my hands tremble as i sit here writing--- stumbling across the keys of my laptop, moving to the mouse frantically clicking here and there--- check the mail, check the away message--- back to mail... change the song- again and again-- looking for something, but still dont know what it is i am searching to find--- the other hand rubs across my forehead, feeling that small bump- the remnant of a zit- some facial flaw that will only cause them all to stare even more--- what are those looks for?? no its not paranoia- i know the looks are real, i just still havent figured out why they all look at me-

it is a amazing the things you become immune to--- yes diseases and treatments--- after enough physical conditioning- or beating- a body will start to tolerate the pain more- enough walking on nails and your feet calis so that they can take the abuse- do our heads and hearts do the same? If we live through enough mental anguish, do we shut down our sensors of feeling? If we are hurt enough in love do we stop loving; if a person kills enough, does the next victim just become a number in a long list- does one stop thinking about the life that person had before we took it away? If we hear something degrading so often, do we start to ignore the word, or do we accept it as true?? If you fall again and again, will you really learn not to fall anymore or just to land more softly...

Times change and people grow --- constantly... it is only sometimes that you catch a glimpse of the past and a wave of nostalgia floods over your heart--- that actual physical pain of remembering that perfect time- perfect person- perfect day... or the wave that comes with regret- for those times that you could have been better- been more than what you were...

Some people try too hard- others dont try hard enough... still wishing i tried harder--- cared more--- for me... tried less---cared less--- for you...

i want to be in love...

if i could live each day in and of itself- that is seperate from all the others... how would that change my life? somethings would disappear i know, life is a constant culmination of everything that happens to us... it is such an interesting thought--- i can break my life down to those things that i have to start over everyday and those that are always building on one another--- and further into the things that i want to build and the things i wish would deteriorate... when i think in these terms, everything has a place...

before this year i had never had a nightmare-- and i still do not know if i have them, but my sleep is plagued by less than perfect dreams--- even in my worst times i never had nightmares--- but now, what is this- for months i have not woken up with a peaceful dream- who wants to sleep when you cannot even excape into the extaordinary- there used to be some magical quality to the way i slept--- but not anymore- i wonder what i will wake up with---

as my eyelids softly fold sending me into the depths of myself...

just wishing that i had someone that would hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok...

...i am not infallable- even i have doubts sometimes in these late hours... with the darkeness of the night and the stillness in the air-

sleep--- just sleep...

i realize that as it gets later in the night, my thoughts begin to surface until they almost force themselves out of me, until i can no longer hide them deep in the forgettful caverns of my mind, and they begin show in my face, in my every action... like a wieght that makes my movement just that little bit slower...

i close my door and sit down at the desk... stare at the blank screen, waiting for the words to take form through the insistant peddling of my fingers on the keys. so many ideas on the edge---- waiting for one to fall... i speak of relationships so often, i am hesitant to talk of them again... one might think me to be obsessive with the issue- but the again and again i am haunted by the notion... the philosophy... the pure psychoanalysis-- how and why...

i have an ok imagination, sometimes i wonder if it is enough for me to be a writer, for me to place myself somewhere and portray that action in someway that no one else has before... i do not know that i am that good, but i know that i can imagine somethings... i can go back in time and live in memories, i can imagine my future... or someone elses--- i can make myself feel what it is to be almost anything... but I cannot fully realize what it is to never have someone leave you--- still, i cannot imagine that... i have never been with someone that hasnt left me, not only talking in sexual relationships, but every other sort too... even friends and family... i was young and all my sisters and brothers left me... all within two years of each other- i went from being the youngest of 5 to being an only child in a 24 month period... the last to go was my closet sister, my elder by 5 years, but still the one i looked up to more than anything in the world... i wonder why i did that, i guess at 7 i didnt know any better, but that is hardly an excuse. She was always in some sort of trouble- with guys, with drugs, with something... she has a different mom than me... when i was 10, she left to go live in pennsylvania while i stayed in connecticut- 3 months later i left the only people i thought i had left, my friends, and i moved to virginia...i hated it... i hated everything about it--- often i try to imagine what it would be like if i had stayed in connecticut- and not moved 4 more times... if it would be different- how different everything now would be... not that it really matters now or anything- but would i have made all the stupid mistakes i did and still do, or what kind of person would i be...

everyone wants to be something- i just want to make a difference, i want to change someone's outlook, even if it is just one person- i want to open someone's eyes--- to see more, not my point of view or anything, just more, just the world in front of them... and around them, and how much they are apart of it and how much difference they can make and at the same time how miniscule they are to the whole concept of being- how small a part of time and existance thier role takes... the amazing wonder of that--- the vastness...

... sometimes i go to the beach and just stare out--- the ocean is so limitless... it is scary, but so filling at the same time...



3 seemingly unrelated thoughts... but somehow they are--- somehow they are...