it is odd the things you remember and the things you forget. Some experiences are so vivid in your mind that even a simple smell, a color will remind you of everything you felt at that moment long ago... but then other times, even a minute by minute recount of the actions that took place cannot jog your memory... what is it that make the ones that are so special stick? I dont remember half of my childhood... the days i remember i could physically recall and not be overwhelmed by the number of them... do memories fade? i suppose they do, with time... so many things within the last 5 years I remember... those are the vivid memories... but thinking of it--- there is a life that i knew i lead once--- i cannot remember the person i was then... i can hardly remember anything i was experiencing... it is all fogged over...and i wanted to forget that sooo much... and i did--- do i remember these other things because i want to remember them? am i reminded of something by a scent because that is what i want???

How could anyone ever be not peaking on a day like today? the weather is beautiful... there are birds out and people everywhere... everything hibernates in the winter and it seems as if they are finially waking up :) why cant the whole year be as beautiful as today... yes i already know the answer to that question--- we would never know how beautiful today was if we didnt have the winter... sigh... going outside...

I am taking so many english and philosophy courses this semester... making me really think... i love it... it is that sort of learning in which you can actually feel your mind expanding... your thought processes become deeper and more complictated... your rhelm, your world slowly getting bigger and bigger...

There are some days that you wake up and they become the best days of your life, leaving you waiting for tomorrow and there are others that become the worst you have ever seen, taking the hope away from all others....
It is all of these days that prove you are alive- that prove you are on this planet living- no better and no worse than anyone else--- everyone has good days- that isnt so important... but everyone has bad days too--- even the person you see having everything together- one day they will get out of bed and go to put their feet on the floor only to find out everything has fallen out beneath them--- it happens to everyone---
we are all living the same life here--- the ups and downs... the difference though- is what we do with it...whether we realize what we are...whether we reach out from that little world we see as being our own--- and find our place in the greater picture- when we forget ourselves and stop noticing the bad days or good days... that really we break off from this predictability of life... that we really become alive...

so complicated... so sticky... i dont know what is going on... i figured that i couldnt have what i wanted so i give it up before it has to be taken... even though i think it already has been taken... and then i get so confused sometimes... so confused... sigh--- i dont know what to say to make it right... to make everything fit together right- and i dont even know if there is anything i can say... i gave up hope... that is all... i dont know what is going on- i am ruled by my heart but struggle to live by my head... when they are in conflict... i dont know what to think or what to feel or what is even going on...

and so i ramble incoherently... nothingness...

sigh

I know what I really want--- but what I want isnt what I should have... and so now I am setting that right--- i am doing the right thing for once- finding it in me to be more than i ever thought I was... They say I deserve more--- but still I like what I see... still in the long run, friends have never failed me... so for once I am listening while it still isnt too late--- when I can still come out only semi hurt... yeah--- for some reason or another I care about him--- but yeah this is the right thing... he doesnt care... definitely the right thing...

sometimes I forget about life- and how much i love it and that is where the whole pity thing comes in... some days it is just a little bit harder to see what we are all living for... but on a day like today everything becomes clear... those hard days are like trials... and only the strong survive those... and maybe i struggle because i see them and i realize they are there- the strong probably breeze right through without ever realizing they go through them.. but maybe that is my test--- to breeze through them--- one day I will get there--- the quote--- along the side... the albert camus quote... i hate the winter... but the summer will shine through right... it will come each year without fail... and all troubles will be forgotten... i dont know--- having one of those days where i am absolutely amazing at the fact of life--- that i could be living in this world... one of those great feelings that i would rather be living no toher life no other way at this moment... this day...

yeah- isnt it amazing how some days can just turn around... that no day is set in stone... :)

amazing how one class can change everything about a day---


feeling so alive--- the world we live in--- the world that surrounds us--- is soo beautiful...

look at it outside- the soft wind, the warm reays of sun--- you can smell it- smell spring--- the dirt of the earth, the green of the leaves- yes it is there, if you look--- it is just all so amazing-- and we are alive this day--- we can have all of this- it is ours to enjoy--- to experience

:)

no more sleep- i think i am going to become an insomniac... better than going to sleep and living a life of nightmares that iss worse than being awake and living...

having one of those out of body days... where everything is so mechanical that it seems as if it isnt really you making the movements, but someone else controlling your body--- discomforting to say the least...

He said that I pity myself a lot--- is that really what I am doing? I never think I realized that before- I started to see that I jsut whine a lot and so I stopped writing because I do not want to whine- there is no point in it--- I hate pity and yet here I am accused of pitying myself... no I am not mad or anything like that- it is just something I never thought of and definitely something that I do not want to be... it is the last thing I want to be- how does one come to pity one's self?? If you do not know that you are doing it, then how do I stop...

I woke up having the worst day this morning- a morning I could definitely tell was wallowing in self pity--- and I wrote a whole long blog and then someone came and just made me forget it all... just that easily- that simply...

sigh---

and i wonder as i sit here- is this self pity that I am wallowing in right now?? What right do I have to pity myself... somehow I dont think i have the right to think that my life is awesome, but there are certianly lifes that are worse than mine--- so many things are worse than what i have ever had--- i dont know--

it saddens me...

sometimes people come along at just the right moments- sometimes i sit here in such despair and i do not know exactly why- i do not know what exactly is wrong at those moments... and i know that I shouldnt exactly be a lone, but I cannot reach out to someone either--- but then they show up- and it is the person you least thought you would need--- the one you didnt even think to turn to--- and somehow they brighten up your day more than either of you ever expected- and i dont even think they know what they did :)