Monki Thoughts

Footfalls echo in the memory Down the passage which we did not take Towards the door we never opened Into the rose-garden. My words echo Thus, in your mind.
-T.S. Eliot

4.13.2002

Never is a Promise
Fiona Apple


You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights

I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

--------------------


Something so familiar- like the lyrics of so many songs- the ability to reach out and somehow be of relaton to someone- someone else other than the writer--- when the words are so intense and the meaning so universal--- but yet so personal- Somehow desribes my agnst against the world. the promises made that you believe in and then suddenly realize were made in vain... but in the end, you know--- you dont need them- you dont need any of it-

-

the root of it all is music---


of the writing and to the dance--- I would not be able to do either if music did not exist... if I didnt have training in music- if I wasnt able to feel what it is I feel with music...

4.11.2002

According to Webster's Dictionary:

Main Entry: vul·ner·a·ble
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin vulnerabilis, from Latin vulnerare to wound, from vulner-, vulnus wound; probably akin to Latin vellere to pluck, Greek oulE wound
Date: 1605
1 : capable of being physically wounded
2 : open to attack or damage : ASSAILABLE
- vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty / noun
- vul·ner·a·ble·ness / noun
- vul·ner·a·bly / adverb


According to me:

Vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty n. when you stop talking of your own life, feelings and thoughts as matter of fact and begin speaking as if they are open for debate, criticism, and a response from others. when you realize that you are everchanging, constantly shifting from one person to the next... and show that evolution to someone else...

4.10.2002

The truth is that even with all the pain it causes me, I like being alone. I like the solitude- I'm not the most comfortable with groups or even one on one if it isnt with the right person- extreme introvert- introspective, quiet... and forever changing because of it. I still revel in the fact that every day I learn something new about myself... every single day I wake up seeing the world through a different set of eyes--- I love it- all of it... just sometimes it gets to you- - - some moments/days are a little harder than others and nothing seems to pan out right... its always good to look back on the day and be completely satisfied with everything you were--- some days you just cant do that though- some days haunt you into your dreams, carrying you to the next morning... sometimes though- sometimes you dont let it, something happens that allows you to dissolve the contemplation into contentment... i used to end entries with how good everything was in my life and my world--- a habit- a belief I want again... cause I know somehow it is true...so yes, today- everything is right and good in my world... and I cant wait for tomorrow :)

The sun is shining today and the air is warm. Yes, that affects me incredibly- more than one might guess... and so I smile at the people that pass below my window and I imagine that all days are like this one- I let this take over all my memories and cast a vail of happiness over them, clouding my thoughts, but in the only way that is ok... it makes me wonder- what is real-

there are so many complexities- everything is alright though--- yeah everything is alright.

IV
Wandering in and out
Of the spongy shadows
Created by street lamp after street lamp
Lost in the outlines created by
Your mind
The wilting of a flower hedges your
Instincts
Savior
Savor the pain of

solitude

My heart seems to jump out of my chest- i put my had to my breast and all I can feel is the inconsistant thudding of my heart- another reminder how how imperfect I am... just what I needed-

So high- I could see the world--- look down on everything around me- see the cars slowly pass, thier wheels hissing over the wet pavement- its late- I wonder where they are going...

I pick a tassle of the tiniest flowers from a tree- 3 of them fall to the ground as my fingers decide that they are not healthy enough, not perfect enough to stay in the bunch... so torn from the others they lay on the sidewalk somewhere--- awaiting the crowds that will trample over them in the morning rush to classes- why did the bunch have to be perfect, why did the weak ones have to be thrown to the ground- just because i somehow thought it was for the best- but was it??

I get confused sometimes- dont know what to thing- my thoughts get murky as they run into one another... I cannot even tell you what I want in anything right now--- the uncertianity of not even knowing yourself and discovering more and more that you have no idea who you are somehow humbles you in the greatest of ways--- it is a different place i am living in--- maybe i havent unfinished packing yet

4.09.2002

Spike Lee- as an artist-
An artist needs extreme views- it is what puts the passion into thier work- it is what makes them artists-
This gives me trouble- I can see through this view point- but it does not clarify any of the animosity towards his thoughts that I have, rather it muddles the whole idea...

Freedom of speech freedom of expression- makes people think and makes people realize what they might not have otherwise realized- Look how much I am analyzing this because of his talk--- Is that not what an artist should do? Something in me says this man with radical ideas should not be able to relay his hate to others- to make others think that--- but freedom of speech--- he deserves that- and if the view he poses is contridicting mine- even if i feel it is wrong- he still has the right to express that view...

But still--- I do not know that I am arguing the point of whether or not he has the right to say it, more of is his reaction to discrimination right- no, i suppose you cannot judge a person's feelings as right or wrong, they just are- but wherein he is struggling for equality, his reaction seems to promote the same ideal that he is protesting- just redirecting the discrimination towards another group. Yes. African American/Black people are discriminated against. Yes it is wrong. Yes people need to work together to overcome this problem/issue- to destroy it... several valid paoints and examples were given to show that discrimination is still prominent in todays society- but talking of how white co-eds are offered to black athletes as gifts for going to a college- is offensive- and it is making him no better than those who place the discimination on him-

I went to see Spike Lee talk tonight.

Nothing what I thought it would be like, the lecture stirred up a lot of emotion. It dealt with the discrimination of minorities, mostly about blacks/ african americans (i am not sure of the p.c. term anymore). He brought up many good points about how they are viewed in the media and how the roles they portray are often subserviant in some way. Looking at many movies, this is obvious. Throughout the lecture though, and the forum that followed, the air changed and tension filled the room as the peaceful conference turned into a mudslinging attack on everyone. I must admit that at one point I could not sink low enough in my chair in shame of being white and that my ancestors owned slaves and even because other white people are racist even though I dont believe I am... and the discussion always brings up the question of whether or not I am because I do disagree with some of the things Spike Lee said... I just didn't see things the same way. And maybe I am not a minority so I cannot see things through those eyes, but I like to think that I am pretty sensitive towards what is going on. So much hatred was raised in that room from both sides... Some argue that we are the majority and that we will never understand... in my eyes--- we can understand, we might not be able to experience it--- but we can understand... if I dont understand the pain in someones eyes-- their body language during the relation of thier stories or the sound of thier voice when they are talking--- I like to think a lot of us do understand and a lot of us are trying- a lot of us "white kids" and i know there are people who arent--- but for me to walk out of there feeling discimintated against--- yes maybe as a race I deserve it- but i dont know--- since some hate you- does hating them solve anything? The forum stirred up so many emotions that it seems like the goal was lost and more people ending up attacking other PEOPLE instad of the ideas- yes, the forum made me think- and i know this writing hardly sorts out everything I was feeling- the lecture definitely opened up my eyes more to the racial/discrimination issues residing in our culture today- and the vehement feelings that it can cause- on both sides--- maybe if the problem is able to cause that much hate--- maybe there is something there that is even bigger than we imagine this huge problem to be--- but at the same time, as a person who already was aware of the issues and thinks of herself as non-discimitory, for me to walk out of there feeling hated seems counter productive. No I dont hate anyone because of this- and no I dont harbor a grudge- but it just makes it obvious how hating the haters does not get people anywhere- it is so counter productive... those moments of hated lead no where... fighting for your rights- giving others an understanding- i dont know--- they seem to work- but hating doesnt... i dont know--- people need to learn to respect others more....


and now- the one reason why i dont care for spike lee--- not for any of his thoughts on racism or concerning other people--- but for the simple fact that with the many compliments he got on his work and the extremely passionate art work one student gave his idol, the man only said thank you once- and that was at the end... we talk of respecting people and the man could not say thank you to those who looked up to him or to those who told him how great he was... that is why i dont like Spike Lee...

Note about me:

A person will never make me mad unless they first make me care about them. Never will I hate or be angry about something or with someone that I have not already developed feelings for. My anger is a struggle between those things making me love and person and those sudden realizations that tell me not to-

Does a person have the right to not like someone else? This is almost an odd concept to me--- but we can like who we want to like and dislike who we wish to dislike... because a person likes you, does that obligate you to like them back- should it be unfair if you do not? Is a person entitled to your like- do they deserve to be liked by you? Or do you have that freedom to pick who you like and who you don't...?

Things change. The world changes. Sometimes people make mistakes- sometimes they change for the good- but we cannot always expect life to be the same- for yourselves not to change and for others not to change- sometimes they do for the better and sometimes they do for the worse- but we are not the judges of that--- all we can judge is whether or not this change still fits in our life- and each person is so seperate- such thier own judge and thier decisions and thier ways of thinking are not going to be the same as our own- no one is the same...

I see people wholistically- every action they do and everything they say reflects on thier being as a whole... it does not work for me to say well they treat this person like crap, but they treat me good, so it is ok... yes i have standards- and yes they are high standards- my good friends are precious to me and i want to be able to approve of thier whole being- i want to know who my friends are- and if at one point i ever doubt them- if I see something in them that I do not agree with then I will pull away and I know that the people who are my close friends and I think they will vouch for that one- they know me that well and I know them that well... sure there are qualities I might disagree with in a certian person, but no i dont over look them- - I do analyze and put them on a scale with the good qualities i see and determine which weighs more with me- - - i rarely make blind decisions- everything I do- every dismissal every infatution- with friend or with lover- i analyze to the fullest- and maybe I shouldnt- but as a result I know my friends- I know who is gonna last and who isnt going to- call it a defense mechanism, but honestly, I do not see anything wrong with choosing your friends on the basis of thier whole person...

thats enough for now...

4.08.2002

Disclaimer: this site is in no way affliated with mine. thank you.

A review I did on the site:

Javarecon

Starting with the home page, the content is good and the idea is intriguing. However, the layout of the page is bland and a bit confusing. When first seeing it, I had no idea what I had happened upon. The introductory information in the beginning- the index card list of stats- might have been the distraction. But truthfully, the page does not state a purpose anywhere- you have no idea whether it is a personal page or if it is dedicated to some larger audience.
After that, the coffee recipe was entertaining and the links became more obvious. The logo was also good, though it did not stand out much. It almost seems as if the pure white background does not accentuate the page at all. It is a little boring and does not encourage the reader/viewer to want to go any further into the page.
The links were also a slight problem. They were uninformative; they lead you to no conclusion of what you would see on the linked page. Another suggestion with the menu would be to better align the categories and also put the menu in frames. This way the menu would stay on the page instead of have to reload every time someone clicks on a link and it would always stay in constant view of the reader when they scrolled the page- this would be beneficial for easy navigation. Also, there is a menu at the bottom of the home page. This duality is pointless and only clutters the page.
The set up of the actual blog pages is also confusing. There are NO titles on the page- a viewer had no idea onto which page they have landed. The times and dates run together so you cannot tell if the times belong to the upcoming blog or the previous blog entry. The writing seems almost technical while the actual page lacks the technical innovation discussed in the content.
On the other hand, the last two pages, Sight and Sound seems better developed and are more interesting to the reader. The color scheme draws more attention than the previous pages and these actually have purposes stated so that one knows at what they are looking. The information provided on these sites is also set up more for the everyday audience who does not understand the upper level technical babble.
Overall, my impression of the website was not a good one. There was no aspect that was prominent enough to hold my attention. The color scheme and layout need work to be more appealing to the viewer.


yeah- that was my review- i am nice...

AHHH a favorite poem I am sure msot have studied at one point in thier lives...


Poetry of T. S. Eliot

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

S'io credesse chc mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa Gamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno viva alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.


Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question....
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair--
(They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!")
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin--
(They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!")
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all--
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all--
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . . . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . . . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers.
Stretched on on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald)
brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet--and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"--
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all;
That is not it, at all."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts
that trail along the floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while If one, settling a
pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all."
. . . . . . . . .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old ... I grow old ...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.


I was suicidal.

maybe you knew this, maybe you didnt. I dont believe I am anymore, but of course there is always chance for a "relapse". As of late though, even through the rough spots, things have been alright. I can still think of it and of the "what if" scenarios- but I have no desire to anymore...

why am I writing this? Because I think there is something about saying it- something about not being afraid to admit it. So many people go through the ordeal and it is the most lonely thing a person will ever encounter- to feel your own life is worthless- but you never realize that you really arent alone... and that even if you are- the most important thing- you have the power within you to deal... you can depend on yourself... the one thing that shouldnt let you down...

But yeah- the admittance... some might think that episode is a weakening one- but on the contrary- i think it is quite empowering- i think that anyone who gets through that has gained something- confidence, knowledge- of thierself, of the world... a sensitivity--- or maybe a hardness.. but they know how to live life now... for the most part that is :)

but yeah--- ummm... i think that was the first time i ever said that like that... woo hoo... defintely need to write another entry right on op of this one!

It is a strange thing when you realize how much your friends mean to you- my whole life became miserable because of a meaningless fight. A darker light was cast on every other thing that was going on. My already cynical eye became even worse. But now that things are someone resolved- yes I am still pissed at the apartment people- but now that the conflict is no longer between friends, everything is easier and I am able to be happy... of course there are still issues that are tehre that I will never bring up--- nothing is ever so easily in black and white...

It is a strange thing when you realize how much your friends mean to you- my whole life became miserable because of a meaningless fight. A darker light was cast on every other thing that was going on. My already cynical eye became even worse. But now that things are someone resolved- yes I am still pissed at the apartment people- but now that the conflict is no longer between friends, everything is easier and I am able to be happy... of course there are still issues that are tehre that I will never bring up--- nothing is ever so easily in black and white...

mmm... thought I would write real quick before I went to bed. It is already 6 am, so what difference does staying up a little longer make- I really am not overly tired, though my bed and soft sheets will feel good... What can I say, the day started out in the worst of ways and perhaps ended in the best... some people have the ability just to make everything seem better without even know they are doing it- *smiles*
Yeah, there are still situations that I am confused over, still people that I don't know where our relationships stand... god, in those terms, my life seems a bit rocky, but really it isnt- one word resolves each of them... simpleness--- one day that is what I will be, a simple person... Some people say that they cannot figure me out- I think that I spell it out as much as I ever will in here- but as full as everything always seems- it will be simple one day. it will.

4.07.2002

acoustic #3
Goo Goo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But your falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all the screaming
You're not listening anyway

I never used to have a temper- but now...

If I say ok, do whatever--- I mean it because I don't want to have the fight over it- I gave in. Does no one get that?? Continuing to argue your point (or any other point you can dig out of your ass) with me is just going to make me angry and perhaps take back my "i dont care about it" attitude. I dont want to argue about the situation anymore, not because you are right or I am right, but because I can see that this little argument has already started to blow up and cause resentful feelings towards you- no i dont want to hate you for bringing this up- but continue to after I tell you- just go ahead and take the damn apt., well yeah- yeah. SOrry you know- if that doesnt make sense- if saying what I mean is so atypical that you dont comprehend it- whatever though- in the long run- none of this really matters- if you want to get taken advantage of and not fight back, then i will sit and watch. its your life... but as soon as it starts majorly affecting mine- then we can have this argument again.

There is this small obsession in me with poets, writers, and music makers... The talent they have- just once I would like to meet one of the greats- the classics... seldom, you hear something so great that you are knocked down my the force behind it- like untitled 17 by joshua ralph ( a link to the cd- click on the tracks to hear mm-- a quite shitty sample of the music- but you still get the effect)... This is also the same guy who wrote the song in the volkswagon jetta commerical. This man is not much older than we are- yet- he is writing this amazing music- I wonder sometimes how this is possible- I want to tap into his mind- figure him out as a person- His music is a modern day classic.

The same is with poets and writers- sure, there is the everyday stuff that you read, but every once in a while, you will stumble across something that actually leaves some imprint in your mind. For days, you cannot stop thinking about this artistic expression- over and over again you read/listen/speak this literature/music. Most of the authors of these are long dead- untouchable to us- but it seems as if a new wave is coming- and these people are our peers- maybe i underestimate myself and the people I know- but I cannot fathom knowing this intelligence and the sensitive observance these people must possess. I crave this-- I want to know all of these people- intimately. I do not know why the realization of this need shocks me- but it does... I am in total awe and the idea that it is the slightest bit possible that I could meet these people for the simple fact that they are still alive--- well --- its kind of wierd... but then we are talking about me, so... what can I say...

ohh--- its sorta late- not really, but I am exhausted- more on this subject later- its time for me to sleep now--- goodnight and sweet dreams all!

The Lost Master


"And when I come to die," he said,
"Ye shall not lay me out in state,
Nor leave your laurels at my head,
Nor cause your men of speech orate;
No monument your gift shall be,
No column in the Hall of Fame;
But just this line ye grave for me:
'He played the game.'"

So when his glorious task was done,
It was not of his fame we thought;
It was not of his battles won,
But of the pride with which he fought;
But of his zest, his ringing laugh,
His trenchant scorn of praise or blame:
And so we graved his epitaph,
"He played the game."

And so we, too, in humbler ways
Went forth to fight the fight anew,
And heeding neither blame nor praise,
We held the course he set us true.
And we, too, find the fighting sweet;
And we, too, fight for fighting's sake;
And though we go down in defeat,
And though our stormy hearts may break,
We will not do our Master shame:
We'll play the game, please God,
We'll play the game.


-Robert W. Service-