It is the 20th... one month ago today, i put the counter on my site--- in a month, I had a little over 1300 hits...
... yeah i did want people to read it- to look at it... and they did... to me that number seems really high. In the whole time that Monkithoughts has been in exsistance, I have gotten so many comments- friends tell me they like it- a few yell at me when i take it off of my profile... i dont know that i ever thought people would want to read what I wrote and I guess I have sort of come to the realization that maybe they do sometimes... still beats me why though--- i gotta say that...

*sigh* the day is getting long. i want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow with this day having passed. no, there is nothing bad about it... it is just... i am bored of it. I should be doing work right now- my 10 page paper on Women in the Reniassance- thier roles, thier reputation, the fact that there was a very powerful, well repected and very successful woman monarch and yet women were still viewed as sex objects that should be unattainable because of thier devotion to God... mmm... looking foreward to writing this but very hesitant- odd...
mmm sigh... the year is so close to being over. I am dreading this last week... I have so many papers and no time to write them. Well maybe I have time, but I dont have the concentration... kinda like the high school version of senioritis... but i never had this much work in high school... nothing was ever reallydemanding on my intellect--- which i dont mind it being so, it is just 4 papers due at the same time demanding such is taxing... but really i am not complaining, i really cant. I asked to come to college, i asked to be in my major and i asked to be in these classes and really, i do love thinking about this stuff... but alright- its time to get working or something. blah...

I met a guy today. He was 77... he said that after lunch he was going to meet his wife and grandchildren for the spring game. He graduated tech in '46... after being drafted and spending 3 years in Europe fighting for the war. Talking to him made me imagine what it will be like to have the majority of my life behind me... to have grandchildren.. little people that the children you had raised are now raising... I saw myself being old and the thrill of coming back to school for a game and the smile that would I would break into upon seeing my family in that one spot waiting for me... how comfortable that must be to have lived 50 years with the same people... to know them and to know yourself that much--- think of all the changes you must have lived through by that point...
No, the reason I was introduced to this man was to learn of networking and add one more person to that list of those I know... but I don't know that I really learned any of that- the impression i was left with was more powerful than any businees type application. But it reminded me of life- and of stages in life- and how one day, I am going to be him looking back on all of this--- filled with so many memories... so many experiences...

Learning somethings about living...

Not to hate so much
To let people be there for me-
To let them like me :)
That everyone has shit...
And that in thier own way, everyone wants to be loved, everyone needs love...

mmm
What a day to be alive. I still havent written my paper and it is getting closer and closer to due time... and I know that I will be tired when I am done and how much work I have over the weekend... but I look at it all- at all the stress--- at this past night and at this moment---and i think...

what a day to be alive- to be walking around this earth, through the crowds of people- hearing the birds sing outside my window... yes, what a day, what a life :)

*smile*
I Love.

Sometimes that feeling that I just want to get away overwhelms me so much... its been a long day... i just wish i could go somewhere and forget everything... because I dont know that I can deal with it... I dont know about anything right now...

As usual, when supposed to be writing a paper, i am writing on here instead. The topic (i guess) is the atomic bomb and what mill and kant would have said about it--- what thier views would have been... it killed less people than a land attack would have, but those people were civilians... they say cillivians are innocent--- and that soldiers i suppose--- are the ones that should have to die if someone is going to die--- but... do the soldiers deserve to die anymore than the civilians do?? is that relevant... does change the argument here at all?

I wrote him an email last night on this pretty new stuff- i had filled it with smiley faces and just told him what was going on.... but i never asked how he was... i never even asked how he was doing- what was up with him...all i talked about was me... i didnt ask how he was... and i know... i know that means the world... how could I have done that? what kind of self centered person am i? i love him sooo much... he was always so good to me... i didnt tell him i loved him--- i never told him that-- i usually do... i usually say "i love you" and "i hope everything is going well for you" at the end of every email... why didnt I on this one? on the most important one--- why didnt i?

I talked to my mom just now. My brother tried to overdose on ibprofrin or something to kill himself. He is in the navy and away at sea right now- on his way to afganistan. He has a wife back home and a child on the way. I love my brother more than the world.
My mom is mad at him for this. She says that he is did it to get an easy out- that he wasn't trying to kill himself. She says she knows him. I tried to tell her she cant be mad. That there is something wrong with him- that if he is willing to go that far and actually risk his life than there is something more than what she is seeing... she called him irresposible. she called him weak.
i couldnt reason with her- i couldnt tell her it wasnt about either of those. she said she knew him- that she knew how his mind worked....
did she ever know that her precious perfect daughter used to slit her wrists and still does on occasion- old habits die hard- no she doesnt know- she doesnt know at all... if she doesnt know me, the closest one to her, how can she claim to know the son that moved out 7 years ago and has gone through so many life changes that it couldnt have done anything but change him- his insides... he has gone through a lot these last few years--- it hasnt been easy- i know, i have heard the stories- i know about his marriage and how much he hates where he is right now in life...
and she calls him weak... its not about being weak... it isnt.. i dont know- maybe it is- i dont know- some of us just dont live life through those rose colored glasses- some of us get broken down easier... but it isnt weakness... I am not weak- my brother is not weak... i dont know--- i hate my mom right now... i dont understand how she could be so blind, so angry when her son was desperate enough to want to die...
he doesnt need our judgement or our anger... he needs our love- our understanding...

man i dont think i have cried this hard in a really long time... i love him- i dont want to lose him. i love me and i dont want to die... and i know we both try sooo hard... we arent weak... we arent.

mmm.... mmm... mmmm.mmmm.... happy... happy with it all...

somethings i dont know how to express... somethings i dont want to know the answer to... i wonder that i would rather live in my blissful ignorance of what is instead of what could possibly be... not in all realms, but in this one- i dont want to know those thoughts that i can see leaking through good intentions...

push off... push away...such different meanings because of one word... one positive, healthy... the other negative, hurting yourself...

subconsciousness... is everything truely as i see it or am i somehow just fighting to still get out of it alive... before i cant do that anymore??

everything seems like a good idea at first... everything is easy in the beginning... to you- on you... everything is so hopeful and the idea that you will let yourself give in just this one time is refreshing... so scared that that is fading- yet so scared to be dragged in

if everything is so--- could a person ever bring it up- would it not change that dynamic forever... create an instant and permanant tension?? somethings maybe it is better to dismiss... listen to the mass... listen to those who arent there to hear, who arent there to see what you see...

*sigh* does everything in this have to be such rough waters with me??

sweet avenue
jets to brazil

tasting you and rain I walk down to the train
try not to look down
this day could one day be an anniversary
everything is light and sound
facing forwards going slowly wait for you to show me
where this train wants to go
living by the hour I stop for every flower
everything is soft and slow
now all these tastes improve through the view that comes with you
like they handed me my life
for the first time it felt right
thank you for making me see there's a life in me
it was dying to get out
holding you we make two spoons beneath and April moon
everything is soft and sweet
this cigarette it could seduce
a nation with its smoke
crawling down my tired throat
scratches part of me that's purring
softly stirring
I'm a captain of industry smoking famously
feet up on the windowsill
look at all these trees I feel affinity with
everything so soft and still
budding at my fingertips
touching you I start to bloom
alive with trains and passing ships
soft and sweet along your lips now
I go "oh wow"
thank you for taking me from my monastery
I was dying to get out
with tears of gratitude
I like my latitude
cross town train to you
now all these tastes improve
through the view that comes with you
like they handed me my life for the first time it felt worth it
like I deserved it

--------------------------------------

The other day i was laying there, next to you, noticing the space between my fingers... how those small valleys yearned to be filled by yours... they longed to feel the touch of your skin next to mine- the intimacy of our fingers encountering each other--- almost as if for the first time- all of it still so new...so innocent... i think thats when i began to realize...

Today was different... today I lay there, far from you, not able to clench my hands hard enough... my fingers could not seem to get close enough together- to close off the rest of the world from the small space inside the cavern they had made.... each one felt alone- seperate- as if they werent attached... not realizing they fit together to make the whole hand... no... they couldnt get close enough... it was in that that i realized...

that i do like you... and that you arent some passing folly...

liking someone isnt easy... in the end, someone always gets hurt... so i avoid it... or try to... but you somehow got passed that... i realized that somehow i let you slip through all my barriers... maybe it is the things you say or the way you look at me...i dont know... but i realize that i like you- and yeah... that scares me... that scares me because today i cried because i thought i was already losing something that i dont even know if i ever had in the first place... i dont know why... it hasnt been long... not long at all... but long enough to figure out i like you enough to be hurt... yeah... thats scary...

THE SONNETS TO ORPHEUS: XXV
Ranier Maria Rilke


But you now, dear girl, whom I loved like a flower whose
name
I didn't know, you who so early were taken away:
I will once more call up your image and show it to them,
beautiful companion of the unsubduable cry.

Dancer whose body filled with your hesitant fate,
pausing, as though your young flesh had been cast in bronze;
grieving and listening-. Then, from the high dominions,
unearthly music fell into your altered heart.

Already possessed by shadows, with illness near,
your blood flowed darkly; yet, though for a moment
suspicious,
it burst out into the natural pulses of spring.

Again and again interrupted by downfall and darkness,
earthly, it gleamed. Till, after a terrible pounding,
it entered the inconsolably open door.

melancholy... hypersensitivity...
confused intentions- what of them...
mmm... off to sleep...

so gloriously happy today- i couldnt tell you why- the weather maybe... i dont know... but I was and it felt so good...now... now...
sleep... deep sleep...




i dont want to wake up.

Hmmm time for more quotes-
selected from:
Rainer Maria Rilke
Letters to a Young Poet.

+Do not believe that he who seeks to comfor you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness. ...Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.

+Go into yourself. Search teh reason that bids you write; find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest places of your heart, acknowledge to yourself whether you would have to die if it were denied you to write. This above all-- ask yourself in the stillest hour of your night: must I write?

+...describe your sorrows and desires, passing thoughts and the belief in some sort of beauty-- describe all these with loving, quiet, humble sencerity, and use, to express yourself, the things in your environment, the images from your dreams, and the objects of your memory.

+

mmmm... yes this is the loveliest thing that has happened for a while... makes me feel as if I am floating on a cloud--- my sleepless nights dont seem so worrisome...sigh- yes it does make me happy... mmmm... grinning from ear to ear.... sigh... yes--- a good sigh.... how to I illustrate perfect contentment?

a good night- a good night--- still haunted though- still haunted---

it is so foggy out- i would like to go walk around but it is nearly six in the morning and i need to sleep- there is class to be attended tomorrow... we will see how the haunting progresses and just how long that ghost lingers--- one day it is going to break down my "i dont care" wall...

mmmm... sigh...

happy thoughts, right??

i am happy- what more can i say? tehehe... everything seems a little easier when you are happy and it is all covered with that bright crystal film--- a paradox wherein everything becomes clearer, but you are blinded by your own happiness...

be careful me...

Often I wish I could express myself as well as some other people do- through words, through the melodious tones of music- through something, somehow though- I think that ability has escaped me...*sigh*

--------------------------

another moment sitting and staring at the computer screen- slow poetic music pours loudly from the speakers- i contemplate writing but then i turn, fix the folds of my skirt. the lyrics run through my head mixing with my own thoughts- both trying to force their way out again but my mind is somehow closed- i turn away... bend over, rub my calf- no reason- some reason- to feel my skin- feel the warmth- to know that i am real- knees fold close to chest- upright fetal position- why do we always convert back to that? the memory of the time when we did not know this world--- when we didnt have to go through this- where there was no pain, no knowledge of the bad- only the contentment... turn back to the screen, feet back on the ground- my forehead somehow finds my palm in that futile upward motion of pulling the skin into the hair line- seeing how far you can stretch--- streching your mind- just a little more- just a little more for this life--- its not so awful long- in the whole grand scheme of existance- its not so long... rubbing over your own features--- your own hands awkwardly exploring your face- but you know as they do thier rough dance of push and pull across you skin- they are not really paying attention either- so consumed by emotion they dont seem to realize your eyes- your mouth- the expression on your face- pause- restart the song- head falls to desk- exasperation- not knowing what comes next--- through the wood i can hear the bass of the music- i hear my own pulse undulating from where my wrist lies next to my head through the fibers of the unnatural material to my ear... the beat consumes my whole body- my arms- my breast-my thighs and legs play the rhythm of my heart--- somehow it extends its self so far- to my toes to my fingers--- i wonder why--- i wonder why my heart beats- - - i wonder why i cry- why i allow my own shoulder to be enough- i wonder what i need right now- what i want--- from myself, from everything--- i wonder why the world scares me and where this fear came from- why the future seems like a bad dream where you move in slow motion- i cannot move fast enough- act deliberately enough- have enough desire to mold it to be the life i want rather than the life it is- the reason the fetal postion becomes so attractive as the tears fall--- because with all this asking, i cannot seem to find the right answer--- the one that really solves it all- solves the mystery that i think is somehow hidden from me- that haunts my every thought and every movement... the reason these moments come... and the reason it is so hard for them to go...