... It is one of those days. i really need to take a shower and my hair--- well it doesn't feel smooth and silky anymore. It is just a bad day. i need to get into the shower, yet I cannot seem to make myself. It is one of those days that i always fear i will slip into. So often, i feel it coming on, yet somehow, i am able to push it off...but today it consumed me. i dont want to be here today. i talk of how i love life and of how much i just want to live and experience everything there is... how i can even usually find pleasure no matter how much pain my head, heart, or body is in... because at least i am feeling something... today i feel nothing. i feel lost. i feel like when i go take a shower... i will never get out because i do not know how or because i will have no desire for it to ever end... and nothing in me will tell me to get out. Today-- today i cant even seem to try to get out of this whole... i can see all the good things to be happy for, but today--- today, they have no weight. Slipping... off the edge...

...but just for tonight

... i hope...

Yay! A new look... we all need a little change in our lives, don't we?? :)

i dont want to live a life that i look back on and have nothing to say... i want to be chaos. i want to challenge myself and everything i ever accepted. No regrets--- never will I be able to look back and say I had the chance, why didnt I take it? Sure, my actions are crazy and I dont hold back anything I am feeling- but I am alive... I am soo alive.

I am soo tired. I have an exam tomorrow- my first and final...must be nice.. but I have a ten page paper due on Monday too thought--- so yeah...

Good mood though- good night-- many interesting activities...

Feeling more and more like me everyday... :)

sooo sleepy. i am going to melt into bed down...

crushed.

WARNING: reading this may cause you to think i am crazy-- insane--- and maybe i am, but i also know that i know myself... and i know i write these things down... i face my insanity... i will not turn my back on it... but maybe i am not crazy, maybe i am just so incredibly honest with everything that runs through my head... i dont know--- i wont be the judge of myself

I had so many things to write just now, but all the thoughts just suddenly left me. I am wondering what I am doing right now and who am I thinking about? Winter is almost here. Maybe Christmas will be warmer, maybe not. I dont really want Christmas to come, and i really dont want winter to come. Both scare me. I wonder if things will change as the years go by, maybe one day I will love the winter and look forward to snow on the ground- just to play and forget about the memories snow brings. I remember when i was little we lived on a huge hill.. both our back yard and the road out front were a series of hills. it was in connecticut. we got a lot of snow. I have all these pictures of me in pigtails in purple or pink jackets... throwing snowballs, sledding down hills... I remember making that snow ice stuff... clean snow and sugar or something, maybe some vanilla... and food coloring--- looking back i guess all we were eating really was sugar water... but it was such a treat...we would play for hours... till our legs were so tired we couldnt climb back up the hills... till we realized we almost fell asleep making yet another snow angel... then we would come in... strip off the million of layers... i would always have tights, socks, stretch pants, jeans, and then snow pants all on top of it... and that was just the bottom half of me... but by the end of the day, all the layers were almost entirely soaked though... we had a basement that had a door outside. i would call to my mom that we were coming in and me and my sister would leave all the neighbor hood kids and meet my mom in the basement where i would strip down to my usually white tights and leave on the bottom undershirt and turtleneck... i would be so red and flushed by coming into the warmth of the house from the cold damp out doors snow... the we would be brought up stairs... me still wandering around in nothing but tights and underwears and sit at the kitchen table, talking to my mom and whichever of my 4 brothers and sisters were in the room at the time... i can still remember swinging my legs because they didnt quite touch the ground yet... it was at the time when you sat at the table and still your chin just hardly made the height of the table...

i liked winter back then... i liked being little and not knowing anything about the world... things changed shortly after that... my family was torn apart and put back together and bad things that i am not even sure i remember correctly started happening. that was in the spring all the time though--- that only ever happened in the warm months... when bike rides could happen... i started to hate bike rides...

but it is winter now, not spring or summer or fall... and for some reason, i dont have a problem with those, maybe their memory is not as recent in my mind... but i dont know that i dont like winter... i know that last winter was horrible... but i got through it... i got through it stronger... and maybe, i dont know, this one wont be a problem, maybe it really isnt the problem i think it is.

again i sound crazy. but we are all a little crazy- we all have times we would rather forget and things that we fear. Everything is an exchange... i learned not to fear death, but now i fear i am not alive... constantly trying to prove to myself that i am living... there is some quote somewhere that says you are not truly alive unless you forget to eat... i have never forgotten to eat.... maybe i am just a pig and destined to be fat or something, but i know two people that forget to eat all the time... are they alive? are they living? i think they are.. i thought i was too... but i do not know all of the time... constantly proving to myself that i am living...

i say that i like to sleep with other people... like not "sleep", but [literally] sleep... i wonder how true this is... to me... i wonder if it is an insecurity that i feel i need someone with me at night... actually it has to be an insecurity... i like it cause it comforts me... whether i end up sleeping soundly or restlessly... it doesnt matter because someone was there that kept me safe through the night. last night i slept with jack... he isnt a person though, he is the stuffed orangutan i stole from the suitemate and renamed so she wouldnt be able to find him... ok... that was a joke, i am not really that crazy to think that if i give her stuffed animal an alias that she wouldnt be able to find him... but yeah... i slept with jack or spoofy... whatever the hell she had him named... i think all my stuffed animals are jack at one point in their lives...

yeah i am weird...

...there is something eating me up right now... and why it took me this much writing to even begin saying it (cause i dont know if i will finish), i dont know.. but yeah... i put myself on the line again and again... and really, i dont know that i mind... i know that they will always end up in heartbreak... and i still dont want to love anyone so i know that it wont get that serious, but... that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt at all... i just wonder why i even try anymore... or i dont really try... until i think i might have a grasp on something... but then it slips and i am back where i started- what is the point in that? is it the whole living thing i talked about earlier... they say not to close your self up too much... maybe i do... maybe i dont care... but maybe i do...maybe i want it more than anything and maybe i am not as confidant as i play myself off as... maybe there are reasons i do everything... i psychoanalyze myself soo much... maybe that is the root to my insanity. but... i just wonder why we play the game over and over... dancing the dance until we no longer realize we are dancing.

there was a movie called, they shoot horses, dont they? it was about a dance marathon and how dangerous they were and how the couples would take only a hour or two breaks to sleep a night... and how they would get up and dance again... even though their bodies hurt and they need so much that they arent getting because all they will do is dance...and then they forget the whole reason that they started dancing in the first place.. well isnt the whole love thing like that...like everyone is looking for someone else... or they feel they need someone else... or they know in the long run that they will have someone else... that they dont ever grow into what they could be... and then in their search for love, they forget the whole point of loving... loving and dancing... arent they the same thing?? i think they might be.

i dont know if i play this game or not... not consciously i dont... i strive so hard to make it on my own... i wont love someone... i will like them... but i wont love them... i dont see me ever getting married in all actuality--- sure i say that looks nice... and i wish that maybe it could happen to me, but it wont... and i dont know that i will have a problem with that... but i think others might... but i guess i have to wait and see what the future holds...

i suddenly realize how long this is and how crazy i must sound... i also realize i have said a lot of weird stuff... some stuff that might be questioned... in my new consciousness that people DO read this, i still put myself out there... come closer to me, exile me, whatever your pleasure be... but dont question the things you dont want to know the answer to... i almost want to take a part of this out, but i will not... because i wrote it... and because i wrote it... yes... i will engrave it in stone... i can be that brave... just this once... but then again maybe no one will catch it... we will see...

i guess this one needs warning lights, huh??

and just as a closing remark... i do still love life, and i still love everyday that i am alive... i can still see the beauty in the falling rain and in the bitter cold even though i dont really like the winter... i think if it started snowing right now, i wouldnt be able to help myself and smile... it is after all snow... there is just something about it that i cant hate... life is good, despite my innermost worries.. so dont worry about me if the thought crosses your mind that you might...

I finished my english paper a little early this morning so I decided to take this time to write.

There is something about these times right now... They just seem to be the sort that are about to totally change my current mind set. You know how you go through stages, sometimes they last a week, sometimes longer, sometimes less... but in that time, there is a way you see the world, often reflective of whatever is going on in your life at the time. Then something changes... and it changes the world as you know it... And it isn't a big thing, something small in the long run... yet somehow you change and how you see things changes... usually when you notice it, it is for the worst.. as you never notice the changes for the better--- at those times, the world is just a happy place. But I guess, it is when the happiness leaves you that the world changes... almost as naturally as seasons change. It is expected to happen, day in and day out... much more frequently than seasons... and it isn't even really a sadness... more of a disappointment that you lost this grip on life you came to like and be comfortable with... maybe like the friendship between you and life was forged too quickly... and maybe things didn't even change... just you see them now... now you see them...

what do you do with that?

i have so much to write... so much to express right now, but no time... no time at all

damn school...

yeah... i still love it though...

Ummm... yeah so maybe i am a little bit of an exhibitionist... :)

it was fun...

dance like there is no one watching... well except maybe 200 or more people....

(i did fall-- it was hilarious!!--- at least i can laugh at myself)

I'm famous... or infamous... depending on how you look at it---

I AM THE GIRL IN THE WINDOW.

somehow in the midst of everything going on, i found the independence i have been searching for... such a feeling, such a breath of light.

*smile*

4 hours later and almost a totally different outlook on life...

we talked so much tonight... I am happy. I am happier than I have been in a while... I realized what I am about- or re-realized really. For a few weeks here, I lost what it was to be me, somehow it had been stolen from me- by no one really, just stolen...

I want to say how much I love all of this. I love living. I love the late night conversations and the philosophical conversations... It is so reassuring to know that there are people out there--- not who are like me so much as those who care about my individuality. I don't see things like the rest of the world--- there is soo much more to life... I want to grab hold of all of it... not to hold in my hand for me, but to reinvent so the rest of the world can know the beauty I see...

maybe it is wrong that I think the rest of the world doesn't see the beauty I see in a falling leaf or the way the yellow-orange lights spread their glow at 5 in the morning... there is something magic about it all...

I forgot what this was for- I turned it into something to express my feelings... which it is, but it is also something to show my joy with the world--- I love it all so much...

it is late at night and I know that this isn't written well, but somehow I had to capture something before I went to bed. this night was incredible to me... it really was...

and so i write, even though i should be working on an paper instead of this. and maybe i said this was for the purpose of writing, but really i need it to write. i write because i must... because it is what i do... a driving need.

i really dont know what is going on right now... i dont know what to say... i dont know how to feel. i know what all this should mean to me- nothing. but it does, a lot. and i honestly dont know why... every person i hold at a distance and the one person that i know for absolute certian is not right for me... i let in a little closer. was it the things i let him know about me... was it the speediness of our relationship? was it the nature of the relationship being the detached thing i need at the moment... and because it was the precise thing i needed... i fell for the person giving it to me in some twisted turn of fate. i dont get attached... once... only once... and never again since than... now... it happens again- i dont understand... its not what i wanted and yet somehow it is the thing that happened. and i know that i am not going to get the whole thing now... i just want... i want nothing and i want everything at the same time and that is tearing me in two. and i know how i want to feel--- and how i actually feel--- *sigh*

sometimes things just go awry... and you dont know why... you are staring at a blank wall... when you wish that there was anything there... anything... but there is really nothing you can do to change that wall--- other than walking away... the wall needs painting but you have no paint so you walk away... almost like it is a canvas and not a wall... but a blank canvas that needs paint, or a paper that needs words, or an instrument that needs to be played... but for some reason or another you cannot do any of those things...

*sigh*