To have someone that just wants to see you smile-
That will go to the farthest stretches of the universe and back for you-
To know that if they could, they would give their life just to make one day a little happier for you...
To know all of this---
and somehow...
Not be able to feel the same way for them- - -
Tears you apart...

Tomorrow is a new day.

*sigh*

I just want to be held, hugged tight and told that everything is going to be ok. So many things happen in life that all seem to be the same and you begin to wonder if that is how it will always be. Your life becomes a handful of memories that you relive over and over. Some are sad and some are perfect, but it is those bittersweet ones that really get me. The ones that were so great, but you know as much as you want to, nothing will ever bring you back to that perfect moment- the one that you would live in forever if you could... I have so many of those, I should feel blessed, but the bitterness is enough to swallow me whole. So many thoughts run through my head- who I am and what the hell am I doing... ect... I thought I had everything figured out... and I guess I do, because I know that I will come out of this on top. That is how it works... nothing is going to bring me down- ever again. But still... I want to know now what is going to happen in the long run- how it is all going to turn out. Will I be married with 5 kids or will I be single at 40? I somehow can see both... I think I can see anything... I just can't see how I am getting there or when it is going to happen. I do not want to sit around here waiting for life to happen...
So many things going on... I really hate crying- I hate that I cry sometimes. I used to cry ALL the time- but I haven't in so long- and I do not know why I am now. People are not supposed to get to me this much- I made safety walls for this sort of thing... but I guess I let them be climbed by the wrong person. For all those who don't already know- sex is bad--- it is really bad when you are expected not to feel anything for the person you are doing it with... how did I ever get sucked into that one? WHY- Why did I do it? And so I actually like someone for once- I never like anyone too much---only once--- since that, they stay at a distance- and I actually liked another one--- or had the possibility to like another one--- In time, I know I would have... Don't know what will happen now...
Sometimes... sometimes... I need to know what people want me to be... so I can be it, because without that--- I might not be anyone else...

And despite all this- maybe I am deranged... I love it- I love it even now... I love living this life--- I don't want to be in any other moment than I am right now... no matter how confused I feel, how hurt... because... you know... at least I feel...

AHHHHH

I have so much energy right now, it is unbelievable. Break is almost here and I get to grace UVA with my presence- j/k. But the game will be fun. I really need to get some sleep- it is getting late and I have a blasted cold. Tomorrow, I must wake up early to do some accounting homework. I hate accounting though I suppose that the knowledge will benefit me in some way-- some day. Oh and boys... are they fun--- but wait--- only so much fun. They are confusing. That is all I will say on that matter--- :) But yeah- time for bed- the drugs are starting to kick in! Goodnight everyone

I hate accounting.

A first entry--- what a day for a beginning...


Somedays start out and you know they have the potential to totally end the world as you know it. Today was one of those days... Beyond having a cold, the rest of my life was up in the air too. Somehow though, everything turned out alright--- better than alright---perfect. So many people that I thought I had lost for one reason or another reached out to me today. It is really amazing when you realize your worth to another person, that they care about you, whether they have been there lately or not. Some people are never-failing friends and I appreciate it so much that it is hard for me to explain. We all know that I am not the feely-complimentive type, but that does not change the fact that these people have an impression on me. I love and thank them all.... no matter how much they realize thier contribution to making my day better- they all meant something to me.


...i know that i am a dork... but i realize the world around me and just how small I am... and when you look at everything from this perspective... you begin to see just how much you have...