Sometimes things arise that make you pause for a moment and question what you are doing... whether or not it is what you want... I think I just had that moment, that precise situation where something else arises that might possibly be another factor to take into consideration... after a perfect goodnight, I think i recieved something that was a bit of a surprise... and for a second it made me pause and reflect... because for a while- it was something that i had wanted... but not anymore... i am happy where i am and more than that- i dont want to be anywhere else. to me, this is perfect- this is what i want... Right now, I am getting what i need and so much more... and i am happier than i could have even have begun to imagine that I would be- and maybe that slight challenge made me realize that even more what i already knew. This is right. I am happy- i wouldn't choose anything else that to be where I am right now. *smile* nowhere else but here... counting and dreaming about other goodnights and other moments like that one... :)

dont worry... my writings will get off of this love kick soon- i realized grading submissions to the lit mag how old love stories get... not saying i am in love... but i feel great because of a relationship.. but i will get new topics in writing... dont worry... heh... *smile* at least i am happy though
*smile*
sometimes as i write i wish i could put a picture up of the expression on my face... no i dont want the tears on here, but sometimes i break into such a smile that i dont think words can describe it- like i wish i could show you it and the genuinity of it in my writing... but really... all of you constant enough to be reading this right now... this smile is for you... :)

i hope you dont mind... i hope you dont mind.. that i put down in words how wonderful life is now that you're in the world...

suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
suddenly moves with such a perfect grace
suddenly my life doesnt seem like such a waste

it is amazing- this feeling inside of me... heh... makes me smile more than i thought i ever would... and it isnt just you know, thinking of him, but somehow my whole world has changed... everything seems a little lighter and the world seems ok with me again. ah- i look at this writing and i realize it isnt what i want it to- somehow i wish my writing would reflect how beautiful everything is right now. This feeling and the way that the world moves, the way the wind blow and the birds sing... even the rain and the cloud seems less threatening lately. It wasn't even the meeting, it was realizing that I was free to feel and that someone cared about me enough- somehow that let me know that I didnt have to wear this shrowd of depression. No, it isnt instaneaously gone, but I can see tomorrow and not only that, but i see the sun shining tomorrow... i am going to make it through... i thought that giving someone full knowledge of me would be too much of a burden... i dont know if it really is or if it isnt, but... maybe...i dont know... maybe i am worth it? I never thought that being with me was good enough to balance out that darkness that lives inside me- but someone sees me as more than that... and i dont know, when i am with them... i feel that. i feel their love (eh- like) for me... and that envelops my every thought and carries me... floating through the rest of the day *smile* it isnt just what they see in me though- it is so much... so much that i see in them... so much that makes me happy... everything i think i wanted... all right there... i dont know what goes to deep with talking about someone on here- heh- especially someone that reads this... *blushes* though i think my singing to them might have let them know--- never before have i wanted to sing to someone but lately i wish i had the voice of lark so that i could sing every song every written... i want to smile all day... heh- some people say i have been glowing... mm well... life is good sometimes... sometimes things get hard, but really, things always look up eventually... and right now, i dont know if they have ever looked higher... :)

I didn't think they were so deep... i didnt realize how hard, how deep... i feel like there is an animal living underneath my skin... it is like vertebrae... i want it to go away now. i am done with it. i want to heal...

i was in class today. really tired. really cold. we weren't really discussing anything, just life in general, my teacher's walk in basement apartment, just stuff... but at one point we did talk about a story and in it there is a tree, first tiem you see it, the thick arm is up and the thin one is down.... turn around, look back again-- the thick arm is down and the thin one up... my teacher was trying to tell us the level of analyzation we should be at... that we should see what this represents... he asked a girl to get up and be a tree... she had on a short sleeve shirt... it was green, probably why he picked her... but she stood in the front of the class and raised one of her arms... held it there, then as the teacher said switched... i couldnt have been the only one to notice... my arms were chicken scratches compared to hers... 4 inch gashes... long, thick.... slices.... the sort that you can imagine the skin slicing and departing, the different sides curling away from each other... white pink turning to crimson... they were scabbed over now... but i wonder how a person could do that to themselves... must have to do it fast... really fast... and start a new one before the last starts to bleed cause thats when it starts to hurt... they were random... going in every direction... upper forearm... truth be told, i have trouble even breaking the skin...

The greatest thing there is to learn for a person like me is that it is ok to be happy and that once miserable, it doesnt always have to be that way... So people know, so if I laugh about it, then I can deal....its not hard to joke about and pull it away from you- at least that keeps me talking, you know--- i think everythings going to be ok...

I want everything to be ok.... I don't know how to get it there though... the things a do aren't the problem... maybe they are a problem- i know they are a problem, but they aren't the problem.... I can stop but stopping that is not going to stop me from feeling like this... I am scared of the things I think and do. I am afraid that tomorrow it will be worse than it is today and that the next minute will bring me to do what my willpower overrides this minute. I don't like the way I feel most of the time- I don't like the facade I have to put up to make myself look normal and I don't like the bits and pieces of me that fall out when I let my cover fall.
Unapologetically alive... i dont know about that one... somedays I wish I wasnt and that scares me most of all....
There is a side of me that I let no one see. I cry because my parents dont even know me and they are so sure they do--- if someone went and told them- they would deny it, not because they would be in denial, but because they honestly wouldnt believe that i would- they would be for so certian in thier heads- i was the stable one- the one who knew what they were... there is no allowence for figuring out who you are in my family... you are just suppposed to know... i learn and change everyday....
I have good friends... but i never really tell them everything-- i dont give them the chance... there are things that run deeper than I think any of them know... but i finially did open to someone--- i dont know--- i dont know if i really have anything to lose anymore- i mean i dont really have anything at all anymore... i already dont trust people and my emotions are already down... i dont know- i want to trust, but i have to justify it somehow... yeah i am a bit of a mess right now...
It scares me because I have been having these ups and downs all my life- somehow i have become comfortable on this rollercoaster... but i dont think they are ever going to change. i know that i may be happy for a little while... i mean before these few last months i was happy for about 6 months... i never had a moment in that time... maybe it was longer... i felt so good in those days... these days it is different- i cannot even function- the only release i can really have is to write on here- i cant even concentrate on my work... i dont know what to do--- i think if i go get help they are going to put me on medication- i dont want to be part of this prozac nation- i want to have everything solved... there cant be something physically wrong with me- i have enough things physically wrong with me- i dont need to have something else wrong with me- but i dont want something wrong in my head either- i jsut want to be ok... but i am afraid of being ok- i am afraid of the road to get there- as awful as this is, it is somehow comfortable... i know to some extent what is going on and when i dont, i am comfortable with the ambiguity of me. But i dont like the constant hate- the constant battle to be with other people... i look at my actions objectively and i see the withdrawl from society, i see the breakdowns, i see the dependances develop... the thing i probably need, but the thing i dont want to allow myself. i dont know- i dont know that writing this will do anyone any good...
all i know is--- i dont think i am doing so well right now... and i dont think i can handle this one on my own...