I want to regret some of the things I have felt. I want to go back in time to the better memories. I want to forget some events that have happened in my life. But something stops me from truely wanting any of this... I do not know. I do not have the capacity for regret I do not think and I cannot imagine my life now without the experience of the past. I realize now that never have I taken the advice of other people. I have considered vaguely what has been said, but I always end in doing what my heart really desires. Maybe once, just once, I should not be so stubborn and try to listen... maybe I would avoid a lot of the things I go through that tear me up in the end. But then, is that really what I want? Again and again, I set myself up for pain- am I really that thoughtless to my well being or should I look at it as the risk is worth it? To live it, and come out living and stronger in the end... I don't know... when I am 76, old, and gray will I be cold-hearted from all of this, or will I still be putting myself on the line again and again. I don't really know what I am doing in this life, but then again, I do not know if anyone does...

maybe i think too much

he questioned me. the only one to ever question me...

i am angry. i am hurt. so i write. i write though i do not even know what to say. i just want something that i can hold... that i know what it is... something more than i have. i want something real. i am sorry that i want more--- but not really. i cant even say anything though--- i have no right- i have no place. what am i? who am i to demand more? I wonder where i draw the line and if i, of all people, am able to draw the line of what is acceptable and what is not. what a process... what a process... i held on to two conversations... and i continue to hold on to them... they keep me going back... but... never since have i had another like either one of them... what am i really holding on to? all i wanted to do was to know--- to have knowledge-- of something- anything--- anything... like a thirst... but maybe that is not good... curiosity killed the cat they said... maybe me too... maybe me too... dont know what i am doing with this anymore... dont know what i am doing anymore... i knew--- i knew what was going on--- and still, i wasnt turned to... but not even that is important... not even that... just to be talked to- to be more than what i am...to them... and maybe i cannot change that--- in fact, i probably cant--- but you know what--- i stood up for myself--- for once in my life.. and what do i get... nothing... nothing... i couldnt be that girl... i dont know what else to say. such a presentation of everything i am feeling- so contradictory to what i sometimes think i am... so separate in and of themselves... i dont have anything more to say

I often wonder about being a writer... not so much if I can write- if I can make the sentences flow and put words in the right places--- not even really if I can convey the intensity of a moment--- but do I have what it takes inside of me? Do I possess the creativity and experience? Could I come up with some whimiscal tale on a whim? Could I express the world around me when i feel like i have see so little? Am I missing the big picture? People often question what I am doing--- I am living. I love the rush of life. Sometimes that means risks... and sometimes it isn't even the risks, but the consequences of the risks... I want to know what goes on in the world- How can I know how wonderful and beautiful the best is if I have never seen the worst? I am not afraid...

how often i feel like that small town girl that justs wants a chance leave...

i want to know who you are
i want to know what makes you mad
---------what makes you sad
---------what makes you cry
i want to know your happiest moment
-- and your favorite childhood memory
i want to know how you think of life-
--- what has influenced you the most--
--- what is your defining moment--
i want to know your favorites-
--food
--song---ect-
whether you are a cat or dog person-
if you had a million dollars what would you do with it??
I want to know who you love
--- and what you treasure
What one thing can you not stand?
Have you ever been to the circus?
What one thing would you do if you only had one hour left to live?
Is there anything you would give your life for?
--- or to?
Do you read?
What turns you on?
I want to know what you value-
--- what repulses you-
Do you get along with your parents?
I want to know what one thought keeps you going when things are rough
what do you fear?
--- what do you lie awake at night thinking?
---what is the reason you get out of bed every morning--

i want to know who you are...

The sun is shining today...

writing again- so soon...

so much to absorb... and able to react so little... i dont have much of a reaction though- not comparatively with what could be happening at this precise moment. i used to be afraid of slipping back into what i once was- that everytime i got upset- of what i would resort to. now- i dont think about that anymore... i had a bad day- i dont know why totally- started with one thing and then i guess i just let other things get to me that i normally wouldnt have. it should have been a good day- i had so many great conversations with friends... and different friends... some that i havent heard from in a long time... it was just good--- a good people day-- just not a good me day---

*sigh*

am i tormented writer--- do i have what it takes--- do i think i have to be this way to write? i dont know--- i cant seem to figure it out--- although i think that since i have really decided that i want to be a writer- i have gotten so much better.

if you tilt you head ever so slightly to the right--- as i am right now--- and look almost up at the ceiling--- except up to me right now is more in the direction of my window... the angle and the light from outside and the dark from in my room--- paints almost a surreal image... i can still see reality, but something else is peeking out from the shadows.

*sigh*

ever sit back and just wonder what in the hell are you doing? i dont know what i am doing--- i dont care most of the time- i used to be so apathetic--- it scared me. i care--- i have a small amount of passion now... i remember i tried to tell my mother this- that i didnt care about anything and i didnt know why and that i wanted to care-- that i was lacking passion. she didnt understand. she might have even been curt with her reply- i dont exactly remember--- a year later i had what i am guessing was a nervous breakdown... it all got to me--- related? i wonder if i had been listened to then and if it had been worked on- if i could have avoided the whole thing... i wonder...
and i wonder--- if i were to live life again and i could pick and choose the events in it--- if i would leave that one out- i do not think that i would. i am different now. maybe people cant see it like i can--- but inside i am different- i am alive... and not empty and dried up anymore and the beauty is everywhere...

i can feel my body falling asleep... slowly relaxing--- it hasnt relaxed all day... the muscles are untensing one by one... my back so obviously that it feels as if i am sinking in my chair--- yet i dont believe i am... i feel as if i am melting--- running over the chair to the floor soon to become a puddle of sleepy goo under my desk. ---- i should hurry and get in my bed before this happens... goodnight everyone


and no i am not crazy

and so i cry.

Is it possible to divorce your parents?? Ugh- besides them not needing to be together--- i dont need them... agh...

i used to wonder all the time if when i grew up and got my own job- if i could move far away and never talk to either of them again... i would have no hesitation if it werent for my mother--- i actually like her... but right now i dont--- but that will be short lived... i dont know-- i dont know if grand parents are important to kids... i dont exactly have that great relationship with mine- but i dont want my kids to miss out on anything...

family relationships are funny things... i am dependant on my parents almost the same way my mom is dependant on my father... financially.... if it werent for money--- i hate money... i have said this before--- but that is the real reason--- because it is the only string that truly makes me dependant on anyone and i cannot stand it... when i was little i would never concede to the fact that my parents were going to pay for my college... i was going to do it all--- my car too--- no help from them... no they bought my car... and while i am doing college for the most part on my own, they are helping a little bit... and they hold both these things over my head... they provide for me, therefore i am supposed to be their loyal faithful daughter... i dont care what they give me financially- they want a loyal faithful daughter... learn how to be a parent... otherwise they are viewed on the same level as everyone else in the world--- subject to the same like and dislike method as the next guy on the street.

maybe i am ungrateful... i can hear them in my head telling me this as i write... if they were ever to read this...

i want to make it on my own--- i really just want to be on my own...

hmm...
for the first time i am sitting down here not having any strong feeling to express. i am just here and i am happy. no deep disturbance is driving me to type words on this page, rather just a need to write and to not for so long seems almost like sacrilege. i am, after all, a writer.

do you ever just notice that time flies... somedays it drags, but usually it flies. i remember when i came to college last year and how the year was over--- and i guess my prior notions of time flying was that you did not know it flew until it was over. all of last year though, i would sit in a moment and realize even then that time was flying... i don't want this to end... i don't know what i want to happen with my life yet and i think before i know it... something will happen that i don't know that i want to happen... i have no idea what this might be... something.... just a thought that crossed my mind when i thought i had just sat down and 15 minutes were gone...

*sigh* time for a shower and bed i think...

...speaking of...

it feels good... it feels good to lay next to you... to be with you... and i don't know if you ever venture to read my crazy thoughts... but i just wanted to say it... to let the world know that i am happy...

ahhh...
what i am feeling right now..
i dont exactly know...
that yearning feeling, as if you are waiting for something... missing out on something... it is christmas season once again. for the first time in my life, i do not feel like christmas. i feel like saying bah humbug... and quite seriously too. i am jsut not in the mood this year. i do not remember what it was about all the previous years that made me so happy every other year...
i cannot ever imagine myself being married- to be tied down to someone else- i just dont think i can do it... or not even that i cant do it, but that it will just never happen... and not because no one will want me or anything but because--- well i dont think that i will ever want them... that doesnt make a whole lot of sense. i do not know why i have been contemplating marriage so much lately. maybe it is being home and seeing my parents. maybe it is this damn paper i have to write for english examining all the complexities of marriage and the dependancies... i dont want to live with someone so long or feel so much for them that i becom dependent on them... that is absurd... i dont know... i dont know... i dont know why i think about it... and why it haunts me... i think it actually upsets me that i feel this way... i cannot see myself ever being married... but somewhere in me, i know it is what i want in the end and my vision of ending up an old spinstress, while sometimes delighting me... just isnt complete...

i wonder that i post these words online for all to read... most of the time i do not think of it, or i would not write them... but this time, i am... i guess i am setting myself up.. i dont know... i dont know...