AHHH i am so sick of writing. Too many papers. Two all-nighters in a row and this looks to be the third. I just want to sleep. Tomorrow we leave to go camping for leadership. At first I was just worried about going to the bathroom in the ground. Now though- I dont know- I dont know if I can handle camping for that long. Quite frankly I am scared to death of this- especially being as how I am working off of no sleep and I know being outside like that takes energy. Well I know that I will come home sunday and sleep like a baby.... sigh. I just want this load of work to end.

I have an application for an internship for next semester at the writing center too- I have to fill that out and I would like to have it to the woman by monday--- go up there and talk to her and make sure i want to do it... sigh.

And then there is the ever-present issue of the boy. Yes the actuall boy comes and goes.... they have different names. No one ever stays for too long. No one is ever kept around for too long. Eventually they all melt into the boy, the single identity of romances gone wrong, the collection of the rejectors and the rejectees... A gathering in one place of all those things I dont want...

ok... so drunken suitemate just came home... yeah.... whew- drunk people are funny...

anyways... i guess i should finish this paper... i will complain about the boy some other time.. but they are all the boy- sorta like every teddybear I have ever owned was named ben. same thing with boys--- but yeah... sooo sleepy. no sleep to come---- god it is a wonder than i havent resorted to drugs yet--- being up 3 days straight is enough to kill a person---

I scheduled for classes! Next semester is going to be tough- but hopefully I will have my shit together better by then- or not really my shit together, but my priorities straight. This semester I lost something- well basically my ability to sit down and write. I know I write on here less, but my writing for class is getting harder and harder for me to do, not because the work is harder, but because i cannot sit down and write- quite annoying. Maybe the summer off will be a well deserved break. Though i believe I will be taking public speaking on top of full time work- but that really isnt hard. Last summer I took 2 courses, held a nine to five job and worked a 5-10 job 4 days a week when I didnt have class. And i survived that summer fine- actually great. So this should be cake. AHH--- planning 4 years is gonna be hell- i think i should at least take an extra semester. I dont need to- i can finish in 4 years- both majors, but there are so english courses i jsut really want to take... so we will see. But off to finish that damn paper...

It seems that some how, when i sit in the crossover lounge and gaze out the window, that I can see the curvature of the earth. No the view from this window is not that vast--- but it seems that I have my most frustrated writing moments here---
I am supposed to discuss the nature of religion- what the hell?? the nature of religion?? i dont even have a religion. To that you could say- well kierkegaard's views on the nature of religion- well he says that a person has to have faith- undeniable, illogical, unfounded faith. Unreasoned... its a certianty based on uncertianties. He talks of despeair- how we are all in despair, it is just that some of us dont know it. He talks of the self, identity. That we need to know ourselves, and then renounce ourselves- become detached- so that we can evaluate our self, then reattach.... constantly repeating this process- this leads to faith---

"in relating itself to itself and in wanting to be itself, the self is grounded transparently in the power which established it..." - kierkegaard

the power= god?? i am assuming... you find god (aka faith aka religion) through finding, being, loving, analyzing, changing your own self, your own being/identity??
is faith the same thing as religion? You have faith- in a god---- the faith you have in god, assuming he exists--- the practice of this faith- would be the nature of religion? so that statement--- directly quoted from the last sentence in his book is the nature of religion??

sigh- have i figured it out- or am i just feeling likeI have only hit the tip of the ice berg and that it is so much more than that and than anything that I could imagine. I am supposed to write a paper on this (and other things too) and yet this concept is so much bigger and more vague than every other thing I could be writing about... How can you concretely write about something that was never meant to be concrete???

possibly going out of my mind... give me a lobotomy.

mmm... long night. i should have worked on my paper more. I am so scared that I am not going to get it done before my meeting date. It is so intimidating. Sometimes in that class, I think that I must be in over my head. The things they want me to think, the ideas they want me to form and the way they want me to write--- I dont know that I am capable. Its not a bad way to write- but I wander about the thinking part. Do I want to have these ideas? Isnt ignorance bliss? I dont really want to worry about what is going to happen to my soul or about how everyone else is screwing themselves over because they are not constantly putting thier every action, thought, and feeling under a microscope. I know in this sense I am ok... I constantly look analyze myself- what and who I am and what do I do- do these two things represent each other truely. I think that that is a lot of what this blog is for...
ahh--- i didnt want to get all serious. it has been a long day. my mom had surgury today- she is fine. i was a little worried. I woke up this morning perfectly happy and content... with where I was, who I was, and what I was doing. It is interesting how sometimes you might be so set on not doing something that somehow it becomes the only thing left to do- the only thing you havent tried yet... maybe it isnt so bad after all... :)
ahh- it is deffinitely bed time- I am so tired and my bed is freshly made- clean sheets and all. I just got out of the shower- clean dry clothes... it will be comfortable... sigh. goodnight and sweet dreams all

I guess sometimes things drive you to be a person you do not want to be. But at that time it is asking yourself the question- can I stay as I am forever- can I live with that? The answer was no... So I mutated a bit- or maybe it was not that much of a mutation but something so inherently ingrained in me that it really is what I am- or even more possible- what I am becoming. You know those ice breaker games or online personality tests where they ask you to describe yourself in one word? I know what it would be... nothing is so simple anymore- nothing so clear or easy. Everything is in a crayola crayon box scheme of colours- right and wrong, good and bad arent so easily defined as we thought they were in the innocence of childhood, when we could determine the morality of an act in the time it took us to blink- everything so black and white- so graceful and pure in those black and white snapshots of the world. Now though- we grow up- motives can justify any wrong. We get smarter and thus can reason our way out of anything- talk ourselves out of the moral unjustness of anything that we might do. Not only in right and wrong, but in everything- we become... jaded. Noticing life and becoming so tired of it all. Noticing all the corruption that grows into our thinking. So tired of it all--- losing faith in it all...