i dont write anymore- a trend maybe, maybe for a while--- i do not know. It seems as if i have nothing to write- i do have all these thoughts that run through my head, but they fade as quickly as they enter, never long enough for me to capture the words on paper... i have thought about everything from relationships to what i want out of life, what motivates me and why we are here as a whole... I actually feel as if i am entering a philosophical stage where I can finially try to figure life out, but somehow i cannot voice any of these ponderings... and i cannot say that i have come to any conclusions, i dont know that i ever will... but the least i could do would be to write about the process... grr to myself...

so i am sitting in my towel, abotu to get in the shower which has been delayed for so long but i am putting off more as i sit here and type... i am thinking, i am stronger than this-- but... i dont want to be stronger than this- i know what i want--- sigh- i know what i want- in some off beat way...

Reminded once again of what once was... the morbid darkness that possessed me at one time... the thoughts of death, sitting alone in my room night and day carving lines into my arm with an exact-o knife--- knowing that maybe i didnt have the willpower to kill myself but hoping somehow i would either gain it or the knife would slip just the right way--- but i didnt do it... there was something in me that wouldnt let me and it is the same thing that i embrace today-
In the end everything will work out and everything will be as it should be.
A friend was speaking of it to me... and he said that somehow I just stuck him with the thought that I could not be here anymore... and he that tore at him for a second... I feel this everyday- The idea that I could be nothing right now- that I could be in a casket because I took my own life... that I had the chance to live, and i might have given that up--- that scares me everyday- with this though--- comes relief and joy that I am here... I wake up every morning so thankful just to see the light of another day-
i developed this little philosophy one day... that each person has the possibility of two deaths and two births, maybe more even.... one death and one birth are the physical ones--- no one chooses thier physical birth... but then a crossroads may come in life... in which a person goes through hard times- they may move on or not move on and by consequence figuratively--- or emotionally die... and here where we have the real choice- a person can take thier life- and die physically, ending the cycle... or choose to be born again- it is almost like religion- it is said when people change religions, they are often more devote followers because they choose rather than being born into the religion of the parents... it is the same with this new birth- - - a person chooses life. they choose to be on this planet to live day in and day out with all the pain that they have already known- and knowing that this person still chooses life, knowing that the pain may very well come again--- the person learns that life is not just about joy and happiness... but everything is put into perspective after the down time- - - how happy a sleeting winters' day can seem when the person has come close to death- how joyous a spring day is when you never thought you would see one again--- we learn that there is no good without the bad to compare it against.... And so we wake up everyday... glad for whatever comes- good or bad... because whatever it is, we are living... and we are living the life that we chose--- I CHOSE TO LIVE... it has made all the difference...
and then the end of the cycle--- the day a person dies... physically and thier body becomes but an empty carcass which once breathed life...
And so that is how I live... in this philosophy--- not believing it or agreeing with it, but actually living it...

and so i close as I have often closed before--- with the one thing i think as I fall asleep everynight---
Everything in the world is right and as it should be... (at least my world)
and a smile spreads across my face for the day i will wake up to tomorrow... :)

The things i say sometimes... some people dont fully understand them... i dont know why i say them, maybe in hopes that one day i will find the one person who understands them or is at least curious enough to know what my words mean...

sometimes i see the doubt others have in me... and i know that i am trying- but they dont see it... and i dont really expect them to, but it makes me wonder if the reputation i put myself into in the beginning will ever wear off... again and again it seems as if i am digging myself into holes and the very moment i try to crawl out, i realize the utter hopelessness of anyone ever thinking i am anything other than what i once was...

i moved around so much when i was little- always the oppurtunity to be a new person- forever changing the mask that i showed the world... which side of me will i show this time?? now though, i am growing up... and whereas, when i was young i tried to choose a side of me, i want to be all of me at once... and i cant seem to do that- either by my own restrictions or by those put on me by others due to my previous actions...

one of the hardest lessons i ever learned was that people change... i was 12 years old and going back to visit friends in connecticut, where i had moved from that winter. I stayed a week with my best friend and by the end of the week we hated each other- going though old letters on new years i was reminded by the hate mail we had sent each other in the months that followed... it was a mutual dislike- for i cant really call it hate when i was only 12 and the premise of the whole thing was unacceptance of one of the most natural occurances in life... people change. i had changed- they had changed... but neither of us had let each other change- we expected to go back and everything be as it had always been... nothing is as it has always been though- we all get set in having everything stay permanent... but its not--

it is not... cause i change

let me clarify my last entry--- i am not talking about personal success... as in doing something because you want to do it or obtaining your own goals... but determining your own success in terms of others recognition of you instead of your own enjoyment... and letting your own enjoyment be held in the recognition of others is not getting around the the whole idea...

still pondering...

I know this person who leads his life with a goal of success... something here does not work with me. And so I pose the question: Is success a worthy cause for which to live? Success is recognition- some pursue this at all costs--- are there boundries to what someone will do to be sucessful? Obviously yes, but where those boundries are is cloudy. Not only the means of the endevour but the comparison of it to other possible goals is a puzzle... to me... Suppose a person lived to find happiness or to do good for the world... while all these goals are selfish in the end, somehow they seem more virtuous than a goal of success...

as of this moment i do not have an answer to this question... i have some feelings on it, but what are those other than feelings... maybe this discussion shall take the place of my usual relationship ponderances for a while.. i think we need a bit of a distraction...

So I am at jmu--- its a good time...

i have been thinking a lot lately though... about realtionships- aq common theme in my writing. i left home today and left my parents relationship who i have come to realize just lacks communication which is a common occurance in divorces.... but they will never get divorced so whatever... but to me... i wonder sometimes... they say that you repeat teh things that happen to you... like if your father abuses you, yuou will abuse yoou children... i am sorta scared that i will repeat the parents... i will not get divorced... but me and relationships... i am so hesitant- so many people at once too---

i am going to jump for a moment- the other night i actually went on a date and i think i was rejected by a 22 year old because i was too young... that is rather sad because he is a cool guy... and it was fun till he found out how old i really was... it seems i appear older than i really am to teh average person... but i guess nothing is really lost- though i think i could have actually liked him... sad... but what can i do really???

i have been thinking about relatinships a lot lately... about how they should be... everything always seemed so heavy to me... but a relationship should be like riding in your car on a spring day... so care free with no worries... if i have a relationship i want it to be like that... so care free--- i want nothing to be so heavy--- just the feeling of spring and the comfort of not caring so much...

i remeber sometimes while driving in my car i used to just want to throw my arms out as if i were riding a bike... with my arms spread wide... such freedom...

i want it to be like that....


but it is quite late and i should go hang out with the JMU people...

goodnight... and all is still good in the world... i love it...