Yeah-- definitely back at home... and the parents are already at it again--- i lost my faith in marriage and relationships last time and it was only a week... well... imagin how i will be after a whole month... its gonna be wonderful... (*note the sarcasm*)

Anyways--- not going to concentrate on that... went back to work today---it was a long day... but i got free food... and went in on the baby pool and predicted kristy's baby is gonna be born on the 4th. christmas party is tomorrow... should be fun... concert too... a black dress/ black tie family occasion... it'll be fun :) i am excited...

that is all for now... its sorta good to be home... because at least i know that there are no classes to attend here...

Do you know what it is like to live each day not wanting it to end, day in and day out...it still amazes me... this life we are living--- no i dont want it to end--- still having the time of my life... as always... :)

Rolling...

Rolling through life...

*smile*

Because I am happy... and maybe it was just the shock... I don't know, but everything is ok and the world is right. There will be no more crying tonight... once again I see a bad day turn into one of the best of my life... not because of anything extraordinary, but because it was just wonderful... like days melt into nights and the nights are the wonderful celebration that we survived just one more day...

*smile*

i just noticed this emptiness---

i just want to fall asleep--- but i cannot only sleep, there has to be something else there---
or else sleep seems as if it would be boring...
tv/radio/a good book might do... but something more...

... a person to fall asleep with- to listen to the pounding of thier heart, to wisper about nothing with, to feel the safety of thier arms around you...

...i wonder if there is any better experience... than hearing someone's pulse slowing becoming in sync with yours... feeling thier heart pound in your chest... having thier warm breath touch the back of your mind...

In a quest to write something great, I have stumbled over and over upon my own feelings. They say to write what you know- I dont know that I am getting anywhere that way. I do not think that people can feel everything I am feeling when I write, and until they can, I will never even come close to succeeding...

... There it is again- I am soo cold- I steP outside and I will be hot... I dont understand; it is 50 degrees outside- not that that is cold, but if I were to have a chill anywhere, it would be there...

It is raining outside...I want to be young- I want to play in the rain- I want to have no worries...

You know, sometimes you can be with someone and know that you are not getting what you deserve, but somehow, that doesnt matter. You put blinders on so that you only see what you want to see, even though in retrospect, you know what was there and what wasnt there...

It is just wierd... and it is wierd how you cant exactly blame anything or anyone for events that traspire- is that what defines fate? Fate is when events and people have no effect on something and it is just how things work out maybe...

i dont know- i need to sleep, so tired...

I found this song--- I like it more than I can say--- when I get married... if I ever get married, it is going to be my wedding song I think

"The Luckiest"
by Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

It's the single shot through your body- the unexpected wound- that you dont know where it came from--- searching around, there is no one you can blame for this pain you are feeling at the moment...

and so you stand alone in the center of commotion... noticing that in their speed, everyone is moving so slow.... the world is moving too slow...

This pain--- it will heal, you know this... but right now it rises the memories of all past hurts...

But in time... in time, everything will be ok...

I forgot what it felt like to really hurt- to feel like you are breaking in two. Everything in here thus far has been everything but hurt... fear, anxiety, emptiness, anything, but there hasnt been any real pain and disappointment. I cannot lie and say that this is not effecting me- as strong as I claim to be- I am anything but. I wish again and again that I could turn of this feeling--- not even the pain, but the cause of it all... and just stop. I want to be the hard-hearted person that doesnt let anyone in. But I did... and i dont know what to think of it... this one time, I dont know if it was worth it. Somehow, i always walked away with a feeling of incompleteness.. that should have told me something... maybe i was expecting too much... but i was always feeling let down... somehow though--- i saw something that i didnt want to let go... and i dont know what it was, maybe it was simply that i wanted to feel it so much. Either way- i was ready to give in to this one, and i think i did, i was ready to give it everything... and i dont know why...
I am filled with this feeling that i just want to curl up and forget everything- I hate crying... i hate it soo much... but the tears wont stop sloshing down my face... and my teeth wont stop chattering... and i am hoping that me writing will get it out of me... because for everythng else, writing works... things are so much easier after i write...
I really dont know what i want out of life or what i wanted right now...i dont even know that i wanted a relationship- but i wanted something of him... i dont know... i wasnt expecting this to happen... it is the last thing i wanted... but it did happen... and i dont know what to do... i dont know...
i just want to get up and leave all of this right now and never look back and never look forward and never wonder about how it is going to be...
i learn a little more each time when to let it go... and it is sooo hard to let go of something you want so much. i dont think i ask for much... maybe i do, i dont know... i like to take things in stride... let them pass and get over them... that is what i try to do... it isnt always so easy
i want to wonder if i could have done something differently... been differently... but i cant... because i cant turn my back on what i am... on who i am... but i wish i could--- for some reason it seems like it would make this easier if i could blame myself... not that i am blaming him, because i cant do that either... i just cant- it wouldnt be fair... but i dont blame anything... and i need to... maybe it is life... maybe it is other things, i dont know....
Sometimes you just get your hopes up so much for something and when they dont work out--- even though you knew that wouldnt--- you just dont knwo what to say or think...
yeah--- that is where i am right now...

I am sitting here writing a paper analyzing the institution of marriage. A few days ago, I would have been fine, but since, I have lost whatever it was that I was feeling. I used to harbor such angst against love and I saw my parents and their relationship. I did not want my marriage to be like that. But now, something has changed. I cannot hate love; I cannot not believe in marriage; I cannot accept that maybe that one thing will not work out in the end. It has to, or else what are we living for. I want to believe that love is the one thing that will survive when everything else is dead and I do not want to be so jaded. When someone loves me one day, I want to be able to love him back- to not psychoanalyze myself until I can possibly believe in love anymore because I have broken it down so much. There has to be some perfect person somewhere out there that it will be magic, that I can feel all the love songs for… and that is so much to me and of me and a part of me that I cannot pass them by. I know that one day, someone will pull me out of this feeling I have; they will be something special- special to me…
Tomorrow I get to listen- to what I do not know- I wonder what it will be… I have no expectations… but I am curious as to why this person is talking to me now… me of all people…though I still think of them, I deemed us done- not really because I wanted to, but because I just really thought it was over… like everything… I do not know. We will see I guess. So apprehensive that it is going to be bad… but I cannot possibly think of anything bad he could say--- that is worse than what already is… so I sit here and contemplate as I write this damn critical analysis paper… I am at the point now that I don’t really care anymore. It is going to be too short- much too short. But it says everything in it that I can think to say. I lost all the energy to it… sigh… I don’t know what I am writing anymore and I don’t know how to write it. I do not know that I have ever been at a loss for words on a paper so important. My only solace is that the grade will get boosted a letter because of the conference quiz I had earlier in which I was “excellently prepared” and “ready to sit down and write this paper”… but then again if she saw that then, how let down she will be to read this now. My words flow so easily on here, but I cannot seem to focus them to the paper at hand…Honestly, I have barely four pages… just a little over three… I can’t really turn that in and it is 6 o’clock in the morning…my brain shut down weeks ago and I no longer even have the motivation to go on. I am scared. I have to drive home today and I haven’t gotten any sleep and 5 hours is a long time to drive sleepless… and I don’t have a choice but to go home- I begin work tomorrow morning at 9 am… sigh… 27 hours and I will be home and at work… and so tired… sigh… can I stay away 27 more hours? I wonder. I will be able to sleep a little bit in there I think.
Sigh- I cannot really see straight anymore--- my contacts need to come out as my eyes are all red… they feel a little bruised too- I think I am tired. Yeah- I am tired.
Ugh--- yes I have resorted to the things I never thought I would resort to--- I changed the font… I cannot believe I am doing this- All I really want to do is go to bed… that is all… blah.

A while later… yeah ummm… it is definitely light out and definitely 730 and there are definitely people going to their exams… a lot of people. I wonder when shanks opens so that I can turn this in and go to bed--- I would think like 8 am maybe?? That is feasible I think… Finish my paper, take it in and go to sleep for very long time--- well actually only a few hours, but still… long enough…shower too… yeah… that would be nice… hmm… we will see how things work out.
It is kind of funny that I wrote over a page single spaced in word on this… and on my paper… yeah, on my paper, I am having a lot of trouble taking up space on a page… but this--- this I am bullshitting… basically… I can write ANYTHING here and it is ok. I could say goats can fly and no one would care if it was fact or not, they would just say I was weird. I wouldn’t get graded worse because I just slipped one stupid untrue statement in here. But my paper---- nnoooooo… you cant do that. Grrr…. But yeah- it is really late- or early…been up way too long- getting delirious. Not fun- well sorta fun, but no concentration. Grr.. hehe… whatever. I should finish the paper now, almost done… last page, last few paragraphs… yeah…
God Damnit. I have the hiccups… I hate the hiccups… with a passion… grr…
I remember last semester I think I had an exam this early… eww that must have sucked… but it was an easy exam. I remember I got an a in the class… that is all that matters… blah
Write the paper damnit- just get it done.


blah--- this whole thing was written through out the course of the night... lots of fun... hehe... paper is done though
7 pages

yeah baby

I just wrote something on here... and published it...and somehow it was lost... this pisses me off...

I cant write what a wrote before... because I am not so heavily consumed by the feelings I was 10 minutes ago... I cried. I sat in my room and cried... i was on the phone with my mom and she didnt even notice... she couldnt tell... she is my mom... but it is of no matter... I feel better now...

There have definitely been better days and better times than this right now....

sigh

These monkithoughts... they are all the introspective things I delve into myself to figure out--- the things I struggle with- the things that haunt the back of my mind...Some may be triggered by a day's events, others are constantly with me... I think very much like a normal person too... but this is the other side of me... the side few really get to meet. But now I am an open book... and I do not mind being the one that people scrutinize... or the one that they think is wierd for thinking all of these things... I think everyone has felt something said somewhere in these at one point... not even I dwell on what is said here. They are just the musings of my mind... :)

I look at this screen... sitting in the dark of my room at 3:30 in the morning... and I can't help but smile... almost laugh... for no real reason--- because i feel totally happy...

Live for this moment.
NOW is the time of my life...

and she smiles...

Life works in a really strange way. I don't always understand it. Moods come and go... they change more frequently than night and day. I am some what amazed by all of this- how one second everything can be lost and the next it might not be perfect, but it is really ok. I was talking to someone today who was questioning their feelings for someone else. They were scared of getting hurt, ect... all the bad rap that goes with getting in a relationship... and I don't know... it reminded me so much of my cliff jump. I did it. I was so scared but I knew if I didn't jump, then I would always regret it. And so I jumped... and I got hurt... the pain lasted for months. I could not laugh without sharp pain in my chest for close to 3 months. That is a lot for a 3 second (at most) fall. But you know what? It was worth it and I would do it again- no hesitation. Sure I might get hurt, and a normal person might think I was crazy... but that feeling... no matter how short... of falling... on my own... it was awesome... a rush... and it is so much like life that it is funny... weighing everything to see if it was worth the pain you suffered afterwards... I think everything is worth it... in my heart... I just have to convince my head of that one day... and I will... but I am not in too much of a hurry :) ... when it happens, it happens. if it doesn't, then oh well.

I was also reminded of my whole experience of last year. Dark secret time: Last year I used to slit my wrists all of the time. Not deep enough to do damage, just to break the skin. I wanted to know I was alive. I thought that my life was over. Constantly I would be depressed and have images of my wrists floating through my mind- except it was the inside of them... and I saw the bone, but the blood was all dried and grainy on the inside. Nothing was flowing through my veins... It scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to be here anymore. But you see me now. You are reading this now. This is the greatest success story of my life. The one thought that got me through that... the same one that got me through everything before and everything after... In the end, everything will always turn out right... that is my religion, the one thing I believe in more than anything else in life... the thing I lived for. I wonder what everyone will think of me as they read this... but it is important to me... it is a defining moment... I would be no where near the person I am today if it weren't for that. Coming so close that I could have just flicked my wrist in any angle and would have not been found till the next morning--- I knew that too well... I could have done it soo easily... but I didn't. Now, I cannot describe the feelings I have now. I have such an appreciation for each one of them, no matter how painful or how awesome they may be. I look outside and no matter what the weather--- it is a beautiful day--- because it is mine. The rays of sunlight, fallen leaves, muddy fields... even the stress of papers or tests... I love it all. I look at people and I see them moving and living... and I love it. Sometimes I think I might be a dork for thinking all of this... but if this great thing I felt causes me to be seen in a bad light... than so be it. I have this right... and because of it... I have finally figured out what I want out of life... out of everything...I love it all- the joy, the pain, the tears and sorrow, embarrassment, ecstasy, laughter, happiness, excitement--anything that I feel... I embrace--- except for shyness and regret and hesitation... Life is short... I don't have time to not do the things that I really want to do... or say... or learn... or experience... Do not ever put off something... and maybe certain things will not get me ahead in life... Like how much I realize the unimportance of a class compared to a friend in need... or the importance of doing something I love rather than conforming to do what others want... that everything we usually worry about is soo trivial compared to the big picture... all that matters is us... and living... and feeling... and knowing that everything works out the way it is supposed to in the end... it is just one of those things... everything is in perspective now- and in the right perspective. And I am so sure of everything- no doubts...

*sigh...

so now you know a deep dark secret... the one that I hold so close to my heart and cant help but be thankful for, because without it... I wouldn't view the world as I do... and be as happy as I am... in all my life, I have never been so at ease with everything that happens... not because it doesn't affect me, but because I know no matter how bad a thing might be or how bad times might get... I will make it through--- not only will I survive, but I will come out on top and be all the better because of it...

*smile*
everything in the world is right... and deanna is happy.