unless someone drastically changes my idea of the word family, i am never going to have one... when i get my life, i want to move as far away as possible... i dont want to have kids... i dont want to do any of it...
i can see my self years from now living peacefully in the city, or the country... just away from this... alone, but happy. not having to deal with this constant complaining or the 20 identical questions or the nagging... i dont understadn why families think they have the right to be inconsiderate to each other... why they think it is ok to go a whole day without saying one nice thing to a person... or more days... i just want to leave it all... i wish my family could be my friends too- but really they arent... i want to be able to have a conversation rather than being told what to do all the time... they dont get it- if i wonder if i am good enough they say of course i am... that nagging has nothing to do with that, but obviously if you feel the need to tell me what to do constantly, then i am not good enough- it is just that sometimes it is a lot and i get sick of it, but i am not allowed to defend myself because it is "disrespectful" and i cant go anywhere because i dont have anywhere to go... you know i cant even bring myself to tell my parents i love them? they misunderstand everything about me yet they think they know me so well... sigh... i just want to get out...

missing someone... that pang is the same pang as lonliness... it hurts... heh... just a little...

parent faux pas of the year...

so we are watching Friends... the doctor suggests to Rachel that she have sex to induce labor--- that it is very effective... i was with my mom... i looked at her... i was like i thought you weren't supposed to have sex when the baby is close to due... yeah well... the next words out of my moms mouth...

mom: "i did it at 2 am and by 9 i was in labor!"
me: "with me?!"
mom: "yup"
me: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

they had sex... with me inside of her... what if there was contact... holy crap... that was sooo wrong of them... and even wronger to tell me... ewwww.... what was that--- i mean... not saying i wouldnt do it if i were pregnant... that baby is going to get out of me as fast as i can possibly make it... but but... ewwww.... what if--- you know... what if it ... you know... touched my head... ew... how am i ever going to get over that one... ewww... they are so wierd... gross man... arrrggghhhhhheeeeeewwwwwwww... my parents are sick.

i think i have been thinking a lot about boundries lately and where they are really drawn... not the type that are detrimental to me or anyone in terms of friends or love... but in terms of society... as to what is accepted and what is expected of me to become... i wanna be a writer--- that seems ambitious enough but still, its not good enough for a lot of people... what you say, how you say it... so big... its like talking in a bad argument.. anything you say could be twisted.. present an idea- even if it has nothing to do with anyone and people will say you are crazy... i dunno... i dont know that i have had anything really brewing in my head, yet i am feeling very confined... as if i have the ability to say/write something that could i dunno be odd... even me writing this seems a little wierd.. .unexpected perhaps... maybe its time for bed...

mmm... fight tally: 1

i love my parents-- a lot... but lets see how high this the fight count gets and we can compare and contrast it with how insane i will become over the course of the summer and we can note any correlation seen between the two...

... i am only half-way joking...

i was thinking today how it is actually going to be nice starting work again... sure it is mon-fri, 9-5, but you know, it is a sure thing... it is a schedule... some people like to live thier life in that defined way- how comfortable it is to have things planned... thats me... i like that comfort... but... i was driving and i was thinking (happens a lot- the shower and the car are the best places) ... about my future and how i dont want that sort of job with those traditional hours... but then i realized that is what i want... it is where i am comfortable... it is confusing, i know... but the conclusion i came to--- those people who are so regimented... like me... strive to be so what more unpredictable- i say that i dont want that 9-5 job... is it possible to not want to be comfortable? or is it that i want to make myself comfortable in more situations...

another car thought- i wish school was in the summer rather than the winter... i dont think right in the winter. i would be so much more productive if i were learning and writing in the warmer months... good thing i will be working and writing in the summer after school is out...

Home for the summer... what could be better, what could be worse?

i had so many things to write last night laying in bed... with all my stuff packed and the computer on the other side of the house, i couldnt find anything to write with... and now, all my thoughts have fleed my head... well all those that dont include the idea of a nap... :) but happy summer everyone... i will write in a bit

If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend."
- Stone Temple Pilots

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It is suddenly that I realize- me and you- we will be friends for life... When we are old, I think I shall fear your death and losing you... because I know that until then, there is no chance for that. You will always have my heart and always have my friendship for good and for bad. I cherish everything you have been to me, for each of you have changed me... not just my life, but I am different because of you. It is to my three best friends I write this... I don't know that I have ever had anyone impact my life the way that you have. Days are brighter and even the rainy days seem easier when I remember that you are there waiting for me. Things get rough sometimes- but none of you have ever left me. Thank you... for everything you have done for me and thank you for being the people you are and for everything you are about to become. I love you more than words can say. Just know that no matter what, I will always have you in my heart... I will always remember the days we have spent together. My heart will always call out your name...

I love you darlin'
You I love.
As you wish.

one for each of you... each of you special to me in your own way... I dont know how I ever got so lucky... I am not religious, but I honestly thank god for you... i thank whatever power is up there that gave you to me... *smile*