the night isnt even over and already i am making resolutions... every year i do... and i think just about every year i acheive them... this year--- 2002... i just want to be me....

i have been thinking a lot lately and i do not think any one believes a person's personality is premediatated... i know that i can be whoever i want to be... constantly in the good girl/ bad girl struggle and which one will everyone be happiest with and just now realizing that i am trying to be what everyone else wants, not me... I think that maybe i am someone- someone definite... though i wish i wree the totally innocent one, i know that i am not and never really was... i will accept that... but i have been thinking that i have only one alternative... to be a bad girl- this, i now know, is not my only choice... what does this have to do with my new year's resolution?? though my thoughts are awkward and cluttered here, my mind is clear... i am neither one extreme nor the other and i am no longer going to discard my morals, beliefs, or freedom struggling to fit into some mold... however normal or abnormal that mold seems....

...always seconding guessing who i think i am and always trying to better myself... this year more than any, i really think i got somewhere- through the hard times, i discovered something. While part of me died and I am still not sure that I will ever get it back, I have something new... no better or worse, just different... and beautiful...and while I thought being the crazy one was being true to it, i am not so sure... not that i dont have a small crazy streak in me... and maybe i am lacking a few inhibitions... but now... now it is just going to be me... and if we say before was me in the raw... experimenting--- this will be the polished version... never trying for a finished product... just a better one each day that passes...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!