I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity

-Sylvia Plath "Elm"

This is the wrong time for me to feel like this- at this moment, I cannot concentrate on anything and everything seems harder than it is--- focus is something I lack and i dont know what to do. I have so much due in the next few days... and i cant do it- and i dont know why... its not lack of motivation- because some of them i am so excited about- its that i cannot think about them for more than 5 minutes--- my mind goes blank and towards things i dont like thinking about and i dont know why... i dont know what is reminding me of it... i dont know.

In a whole year of leadership, this is the conclusion I have come to- I am not a leader- for the simple fact that I do not want to be followed. I don't want people to go where I go. I do have some harbored hatred towards people thats origins are unknown to me. I would love to disappear off into the forest and become a hermit, never having to deal with people again- but in 10 days time, I would be dead- this I know. Sometimes I even get the feeling that nature has forsaken me- it rains- no I cannot take pleasure in lightless day- that is when the blade comes out... after all it is nature who created me- and it is my nature and the nature of the world that destroys my very being little by little everyday. And so my emotions go on day after day and see afternoon turn into night and night into morning and with every change, I am yanked from that place of comfort to the thick oblivion of nothingness that never allows me to know if I will wake up when and if the moment passes...

Ignorance is bliss, but because I know enough to say this, I am already condemned.

It sucks to be able to psychoanalyze yourself and know how your own subconscious works and at the same time be able to do nothing about it. Continuous conditioning... but its hard to condition yourself to trust and to believe in people without the help of at least one person you can trust and believe in... somehow I have developed this system of friends... it allows for close ones only; I don't do acquaintances. You are either worth my time or you are not- there is no inbetween. Politeness will always prevail in a smile and a hello, but beyond that, most of you are nothing to me.

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state to another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life."

-Alexandre Dumas "The Count of Monte Crisco"

*note*
if you are wondering- no i am not pregnant.

my take on abortions....

option 1 (if you catch it early enough) chemical- i.e. drug induced: I go to the doctor. Sitting in the room, they give me a series of pills to take. I might notice some cramping before I leave the office, but nothing too severe until I take that last pill... i drive home and sit on my bed, staring at that pill that finishes it all... knowing that if the others did their job, the fetus should now be detached from the uterus... this one makes my body cramp and push everything out... they give it to me in the privacy of my own home- so i dont know, i can feel even more alone... sip some water, down the pill... cramping begins... i crouch, not expecting this pain to have come so quick- rush to the bathroom, doubled over, tears running down my face not only for pain, but for what I am doing... it is holding on to me... ripping out my insides as i try to shove it from its mother... the blood comes... and comes... and comes... thank god i am in the bathroom... hot shower... steam, just relieve the pain...just make me forget...
pan out... lonely girl huddled over in corner of shower, shaking, crying, washed out blood trails running down into the drain...
girl. alone.

option 2 the other more common way (only because most people dont act soon enough: its rougher on your body... in the doctors office, feet up in stirrups... cold, so cold... man hands inside of you... talking you through it, trying to make you feel comfortable, make you understand what is happening to you, but really no amount of preparation, no forethought or handholding would ever prepare you for this... the main instrument... a suction tube... you know the type they use at the dentist... that you close your mouth around and it takes out all of your spit... and it is just the worst feeling in your mouth- well that is going into your uterus... it is going to suck everything out- you will hear the gurging noises as it catches pieces of flesh, pieces of blood... sometimes you will hear it run hollow... you know that one of those times it is a baby... an actual fetus that one could actually make out- still tiny... but no longer microscopic... it is there--- and it is being sucked down a tube... maybe you are put out for this one, maybe you never hear the noises... but you still have the chance to wonder... your body still knows that something is taken from it... it has a way of invading your mind sometimes... if its loss is great enough--- your body knows--- it will make you regret... the cramps and bleeding afterwards are nothing... not in comparison to the gut wrenching heart breaking pain you will feel in your chest, in the weight of your body...

no- i couldnt do it... i see the act through those eyes... i see loneliness and pain... pain of a mental sort... the pain of loss... i stare at this screen, my vision goes blurry- no i wouldnt be able to do it... i wouldnt be able to abort my baby...

No I just need time to think... not mad. not disappointed... just need time to think and to wonder about things... about how much things matter and about whether or not they should... and if they are relevant to this place and to this time... to right now? no, i am not going to change and neither is anyone else- but how big of a deal is it?? maybe not so big as I make it out to be... just need some time to think about this one...

so cold here...
so alone...

I hate the abortion controversy. I am pro-choice. I think that every woman has the right to have an abortion.... but it infuriates me when abortion has become such a cultural norm that society looks down on the young people who say that they wouldnt. I am in college. I still have stuff to sort in my life. I am not ready for a baby... but I would not abort it... I get crap from my family... from some friends and from guys... Why is it so expected that if I got pregnant right now that I would abort the baby... I couldnt... no I know it wouldnt be good for either the child or me for me to keep it, but there are other options. I wouldn't be able to kill it... is there something so wrong with that? Is there something in that that says I should be descriminated against when I make that choice? God- I dont know why this is pissing me off so much... all i want is the right to choose- and i choose not to - and i want that to be ok....

i am beginning to wonder if majoring in english is starting to make me hate the thing i thought i loved the most...
and if it is... was it ever really what i loved??

damnit damnit damnit- totally missed a meeting.... damnit... just didnt even occur to me that it was wednesday and I had one... ahhh... damnit.

a bunch of incoherency lately, isnt it?

Sometimes I want to use this as a real journal and for the most part i do, but sometimes there are things that i dont want anyone to read- that i want to vent out, that i need to say that i dont want people to know that is me working things out in my head... once or twice i tried that on here and people got mad cause they thought i was talking about them and even if i was, it was never any unnatural thought that someone might not have had anyways in the process of things... it is the process of things that i need to write about but somehow people starting taking every little thing too importantly... yes i have other journals.. and there is where i shall turn for this one...

sometimes i feel as if I am only a kid... not more than 7 years old... still needing someone to watch over me- but other times I feel such independance... sigh- i think this is one of those tiems where i just want to curl up on my mom's lap and let her tell me everything will be ok... that i really wake up in the morning with no worries... scares me how gorwn up i must be if i can realize what I am missing from being a child... mmm.. just a long long hug would be nice right now.

such a happy day and now i am not feeling well at all... i wish this headache would go away...paper to write. no concentration. ouch.

my body is missing yours though we have only been parted for a couple of hours... and though our time together hasnt been long, i already know your smell and the sound of your walk... i can feel your presence when you enter the room... so much you make me feel- bringing back those dreams of happily ever after that have been lost for so long. Everyday is more because of you- every sensation I have is intensified- i can hear the flowers open and the song of the soft breeze on these warm spring days... because of you- i am happier and i smile when i wake up- when i wake up from the deepest of sleep where i never felt anything, where everything and everyone was at a distance so far from what I am and now you know... you are somewhere i thought i could never find again, id about given up... but you...
through the view that comes with you... everything is different...

i want to write of everything i have been feeling lately and how great everything has been. but its not happening tonight...

mmm there comes a point where you begin to wonder about things and what the subconscious motivations are behind them... why are you feeling what you are feeling- and are these feelings real or are they merely a facade for either what you feel you are supposed to be feeling or a an infatuation with some other aspect... something that you never thought you would get for example... so happy to have it--- are you really happy with it or happy because you are supposed to be or happy with the idea of finially having it rather than actually being happy with it, itsself...
yes that sounded like a bunch of nonsense... but it is one of those things that you can only worry about so much and that nothing other than time can really answer... sigh :) I am happy right now- to the best of my knowledge, everyone is pretty happy right now... so... thats all that matters, right???

**EDITED**
edited bits are in italics


oh my- that was the stupidist thing i have ever done- i just threw up- ive never thrown up before... sigh... i hadnt eaten that much ice cream in so long... it was a friends idea-i just went a long. damn for conformity... ahh--- that was gross... i dont think i am ever going to eat that much ice cream again... yuck.. stupid stupid stupid...

ohhhhh... i am such a girl- i jsut sorta realized how much i miss him... its only a weekend- never am i supposed to be that attached to someone... *sigh* ohhhh... makes me so angry at myself... missing people--- grrr--- i am such girl... grrr...

GOOD MORNING.

hmmm... i think i am like a little kid in a candy shoppe-- common analogy- but really. I look at all of this and I think it is sooo good. I want it all now... I want to jump into it and just never look back... but i cannot help but think that something bad is going to happen- that this is too good to last... something isnt right and it isnt as good as it seems... hmmm...