I have these beautiful pink and yellow lillies opening in front of me. When I woke up this morning, they were all still closed... but now- they have slowly bloomed- so beautiful- makes me question myself once again. Yesterday was beautiful. Perhaps the most perfect thing anyone has done for me... and I wonder what I gave up- and why I gave it up... I think about going back... but somehow I know that it isnt right. Maybe someday far away things will change... but i cannot right now--- and the thought crosses my mind so often...
There are so many things I want right now- so many things I feel like I need to experience- though I almost feel like right now, experience is the last thing I want in my life... Do I really want more experience- in anything? Funny isnt it, how in some things more experience is good and in others, the more you have, the worse off you are...
mm... there I am skipping around again... every little things seems to leap to another though- random associations... but not so random to me...

should be writing a paper- but instead i am writing here... again. Listening to techno as you write might not be a good idea... it reminds me of dancing- of being in that trance--- out of body sort of stuff... you get lost in it... same thing happens with classical music for me. This essay I am supposed to be writing explores the concept of faith. The novel attempt to explain the unexplainable... and how i am supposed to summarize something so inherent to our being that it is unexplainable, I am not quite sure yet. And the other book deals with the concept of self and how understanding yourself and knowing your self and then detaching yourself and realizing your creator will bring you back to yourself... otherwise you will forever live in despair...its a bit difficult... and i am trying to explain it on this of all things... i think i should direct my energies to my paper...

Confessional

I give it away. I give everything I am with it. Sometimes I think that I am so strong… that I can handle anything and that every situation I encounter is in my control. There are times when I feel so out of control, as if I am not the main player in my life but rather someone watching from the outside. I have done so many things that I know are wrong- things that I regret- things that eat me up inside. Yet, I continue to do them…I keep on doing them. I ask myself if this is what I want at the time its happening, and I say no. I say no, yet I do it anyways. I thought I was confidant- that I was on top of things. But looking at this, I don’t think that I am. If I were, then why would I cave in to do something I did not want just because I thought that’s what someone else wanted- that it would make them stay. Do I not think that I have enough in other areas to make a person stay? I don’t think that I do. And so I give it away just to have someone, just to be someone…is it something that I am identified with- I don’t know- but for some reason I think it is, and to give up the only thing I wish I could would also make me no one…I wonder why it matters so much to me. Why do I care? I say over and over again that things will change- but even I know that I am talking out of my ass when I pledge these self- renewal, self- reformation processes. I want to stop--- and I would but I have that greater inherent need in me, that sort of overrules it. No- I am not as strong as I thought- and yes… I am tumbling downhill totally out of control.

just something that i saw once- and identified with... and found again and realize that things havent changed much...

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to


Linkin Park- My December

eh--- valentines day is coming-

i dont know that i have ever really been alone on valentines day- yeah one year i had a break up on valentines day- but somehow he was still there--- somehow someone was always there-

i was so excited going into this- it was going to be my first really independant V-day! It was going to be so empowering... i know that it sounds as if I think about it to much, but I think on that one day, everyone feels that pang of lonliness if they do not have someone to share thier feelings with.

Yeah, I was so excited... was....