Definitely ready to go back...

I did nothing tonight-

Scratch that- I stayed in for my mom to help her with her homework... she is taking a computer class and is having a little bit of trouble... it was frustrating helping her, but ok until my dad came home...

You know, the whole institution of marriage confuses me...
I don't think I ever want to get married...

My parents... I don't know... I do not think they should be married sometimes... their personalities are in total conflict and one just always seems to frustrate the other and never do they really seem to do anything in perfect harmony. Despite all of this though, I know that they need each other, that they will never part, but this dependency scares me. How can one person be so dependant on another? My own parents' relationship strikes fear into me whenever I think of the word marriage... and yet...
And Yet... I can't help but know that if I ever get married, it cannot be like that and will not be like that. Somehow... and I do not know if this is right or not... but the marriage and any relationship has to be an addition to my life rather than my whole life being dependant on it...
... I cannot imagine arguing so intensely with someone and them cutting me down sooo much and then knowing that I have no other place to go--- that I cannot get up and walk out of this one... that I have to crawl into bed next to that person at night... so close to them that I would be able to feel their breathing... and have utter disgust for them at that same moment. Maybe they don't despise each other right now... maybe the love overpowers that--- I don't know- I don't know love like that ...unconditional... yeah...that never happens...
*sigh* definitely had one of those nights where I feel like I screwed something up so horribly that I can never get it back... that it is my fault and I am losing it... but nothing has happened... ugh- bad feeling...very bad feeling... everything better be ok when I wake up tomorrow...
I am such a freak- nothing is wrong... argh... need some sleep- time for bed... I think too much...

Ummm...

Ever know that you are expected to be a certain way--- but in all actuality, you are nothing like what everyone thinks...

I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I know what I am and I know the reasons I do the things I do- most of the time...

Doing something... something you know is wrong and yet doing it anyways-
Wanting something sooo bad... You can feel it in your grasp, but somehow as hard as you try and grab hold, never once do you get a solid grip on it... not even for a second. But you keep trying, because you know that if you get it, a solid hold of it- for just that one moment--- you will have it...
...for how long, I don't know... but it will be longer than a moment... just the chance to have it longer than a moment...

...such lofty dreams... such hopeless wishes...

So it is Monday night and I am bored. Don't really have anything to say here, but we will see what comes out. I guess I could have had my choice of things to do tonight- didn't really feel like doing any of them though. Oh well... I don't feel that I am losing out on anything- so yeah. I just want to go to sleep- sorta. I didn't feel very well today- headache, hipache, ect... just generally a bummy day. I wonder how the rest of break will go. Maybe I spend too much time wondering what will happen in the future...
Anyways- so I am sitting here on my ass watching Boston Public--- I like this show. But that is not the point--- so I decided about my Major/minor stuff... Major in English (Professional writing) and minor in CS--- do not know how I am going to like that, but we will see. I do not know. God, I am heavy on the repetition tonight- tons of fun, right?
AHH... going out of my mind--- makes you wonder what she's thinking... forgot what that song was, but I think it was a song.
AHH... that's all I have to say- I want to play football... I want to be tackeled... ohh yeah....

and yeah- with that-- I am outta here. see ya!

a lock of hair falling out of place,
a simple kiss godnight,
a bare shoulder peeking out from folds of blankets,
a chill in the middle of the night~
~ the warmth of someone next to you...
~ a desire so deeply rooted, we only hear it as the whisper of the wind...

AHH- FINALLY ON BREAK

UVA was fun! The game was awesome! I lost my voice! YAY LEO!! haha

Break has treated me well so far. So many good things have happened since Thursday- not only the places I went and the things I did- but the experiences. Hung out with good friends, reunited with old ones--- even hung out with an ex more successfully than I think anyone ever imagined (haha--- neither one of us snapped at the other--- impressive--- haha)
It is early yet in the break and still more people to see and things to do- feelings to rekindle... just wondering how everything will turn out by the time this break is over. I must admit that what has the possibility of happening while I am at home scares the hell of me. But we will see and we will not be afraid or worry until something happens--- play my cards right-- say what is on my mind- and what I feel- and nothing will go wrong... at least that is what I am trying to tell myself... if I can get the gumption to just say what I mean...

*sigh*