I don't think that I ever really thought that someone would read these... that the thoughts running through my head really mattered to anyone... but I guess they do. my thoughts are my thoughts... whether they be fleeting or lasting... whether they be real or what I think is real for the moment... they are mine... and I will admit to everyone one of them. I don't think I write when I am happy... it isn't so easy then... I understand why most writers are "tormented writers"... it is so much easier to write then... I don't know... I am defensive... but I take it in stride... here, I let it out... but if you ever see me on the streets, I don't know that you would ever realize that I felt this strongly or passionately about something, if even for a second. I write what I want to be, what I really feel and what I wish I could feel... when I posted this, the idea wasn't really to show the world the real me, it was to make me write. I want more than anything to be a writer, I want to make it and I want what I write to effect people... to challenge them, make them cry, make them love, make them happy, make them see life in a new light, to appall them and to go beyond their wildest expectations. that is what this is about- not making people that I care about feel that, but so that I write enough to come to that level one day. yes, I use it as an outlet for feelings... but it isn't directed towards anyone or even written with the idea that anyone will read it, even though it is posted... it is posted, not for people to respond to my feelings, but to my ideas, to my writing... I don't know... I don't know....

if people weren't so important to me... I don't know that they would piss me off so much... I feel like maybe it would be safer to care for no one... but somehow I cant be that void of feeling--- nor do I want to be...

It seems my life is a bunch of up and downs, lacking any even ground at all. When things are good, they are awesome... and when things are bad, everything else goes wrong too...

Where I am at right now?? Striving to get on that good ground... but with the stress of exams, papers, people's expectations, and lack of expectations from other people... it is hard to get myself out of the canyon I seem to be in at the moment...

It used to be that when I was down it was a complete feeling of bitterness and hurt... but I cannot say that anymore. I am happy. I am stressed and nothing seems to be going completely right, yet I am happy.. extremely happy... go figure.

Life is beautiful.

Do you ever question your life?
Do you ever wonder why?
----------------------------castles in the sky



My new resolution:
* I don't know how to make my resolution without making myself look bad... but I am going to be stubborn now and I am not going to let things happen as they have recently... I am not going to set myself up for pain- too much to live for...
that is as much as anyone gets to know... just I am going to be good from now on...

I wont ask you to stay-
I don't know what you'll say-
I'm scared you will run away...

I will never see you again-

but you know what I am thinking...
what is this with me thinking I will never see anyone again?
everything is soo impermanent

what was that they said??

be glad you had the moment.

they imply...
... it will all end
... don't hold on
... don't regret
... it was only a moment--- not a life time...

... everything is so impermanent...

getting more and more random...

my thoughts that is...

I want so much to have it all... but right now I can not take it- such duality- to want everything, but at the same time to want nothing. I want someone to love--- I want to love, to be in love, and have someone love be... but no... I don't want that at all. I want to be free, and I want to look upon who ever I please... I don't want to tell someone where I am going or when I will be home... I do not want one person to demand my every attention--- that is tiring- I do not want someone to know me so well that they seem taken aback by what I decide or do- whatever I decide or do is me--- by default. I don't want to be in love--- while I want to feel that good--- I don't want to be taken by the need to see someone--- blah--- bah humbug... I am such a pessimist.

I want to be free... but I want to have someone to say goodnight to at the same time... I don't know if the world works that way...

8: The Queen And The Soldier
The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the queen went on strangeling in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on

the one thing that truely scares me: winter

the dark shadows inside
creeping
the smoldering fire
is blown out

I want to feel what love songs are written about, yet I am scared to even hear the word love uttered... I want to be with someone in that context, but I don't want to settle... I want to say that no one deserves me loving them--- and not in the "I am too good for everyone" sort of way, but rather in the "I would tear anyone who had it apart" sort of way... I don't know anymore if I am looking for love or running from it--- I shouldn't be doing either, but... what can I say... I know if I am looking I will never find it... and if I am running, life isn't the movies- no guy is going to fight to win me over... I don't know--- cant hardly begin to explain...

boys really can be soo strange.

Maybe it is a little funny that it only too a Johnson & Johnson commercial to make me admit it--- but I think I do want to raise a child- and not an adopted one like I have vowed since before I knew how kids were born... but one that I actually care. I always talk of wanting to have an impact on the world--- and what does that more than raising a child--- one that could be anything- could do anything... that would be amazing. The little things--- like singing your baby--- the one you made--- to sleep... and seeing thier face when they do good in school... helping them up and putting a band aid on their scraped knee... I don't know... maybe I do want to do all of that--- granted there are dirty dipers and late night feedings--- maybe I can live through that--- maybe I cannot... but you know--- maybe I am not so against having a family as I have always thought I was--- but still not totally accepting of the idea... still gotta get past the marriage thing... we will see... blah....

how a mood changes in 5 minutes...