I was waiting for my parents to go to bed. Tonight's arguments seemed worse than usual for some reason even though I cannot pinpoint any real evil in them. Sometimes you can feel yourself moving- that odd consciousness of how your body interacts with the air around you and floor beneath your feet- the distance to the ground from your head, your hands, your lifted foot with every step. Almost an out of body experience, watching that fluidity that comes only when you are alone, only when you are stuck in some moment... maybe not that present one- the past or the future... some moment that you know so well that you travel there when you aren't even thinking and from that safe place, you watch everything happen- to you, around you.

I walk down the stairs- noting every step- It's slightly after 9, late enough for it to be fully dark. All the lights are off downstairs, yet there is this glow. I don't know if the light is flowing in from the street lamps or if there is a bit of sunlight left off in the distance. Sometimes the world seems to conform to you and provide the atmosphere for your moods.

I do not know what I was feeling tonight. - I dont know if it was simple sadness or if it was hopelessness or dispair. I just know that I am not happy on a regular basis. Nothing seems right and I don't think its me being pessimistic. I really dont think things are right in my house anymore. Everything has changed. Coming home this summer- it is harder than it was last time. The fighting never stops- and mostly, it isnt even me, but them. I dont know. I guess I am still wishing that they got a divorce. Sometimes- I dont know- maybe sometimes that's not a bad thing. Im 20 years old and still, seeing my parents fighting- and being able to recognize how unhealthy it is and how little they actually communicate- it still affects me. Maybe I am only home 3 months out of the year--- but I dont know... It just seems that maybe love isnt really what they have anymore. After 22 years of being together- I dont know- maybe it is just so comfortable that neither would get out... i just wish one of them would realize...

The fear of randomness is often quite restraining.