I have to believe that something extraordinary is possible...

... i just got back from the movie " A Beautiful Mind"... it really is an amazing story... but i will let you see it for yourself :)

rough day... really rough day--- but everything is ok right now... for now...

ending with my key quote...

and once again, everything is right in the world...

the stars are out and the night is crisp... i have friends who love me more than i realize and i have friends that i love more than i ever thought i would... there is a roof over my head and a huge bed with tons of blankets to cuddle in at night... i will wake up tomorrow and have food to eat, a car to drive, and clothes to put on my back... i will drive to a job, that though i despise sometimes, i have... i know it is ten times better than at least half of the people in the world. i have books to stimulte my mind and the computer here in front of me that publishes my thoughts for the world to read...

... everything is right in the world... or at least in my small world... :)

the other day i cried because someone told me i was beautiful... why is that... there is this guy at work... he is really sweet... but really not attractive at all.. i think he is about 16- still in school. he actually works in the service department--- but he is tiny, scraggly looking- his face is red with pimples and these huge glasses rest on his nose... he dyed his hair last month to almost a white color... his roots show through now... the cut is almost jagged- but it somehow works... sometimes i imagine school for him and wonder how everyone treats him--- i remember the kids being evil when i was in school--- i wonder how they are to him--- and if he even knows how they might be to him... and i cant feel sorry for him- i know that i would never want someone elses pity directed towards me. but the thing is he is one of the most respectable little guys i know--- i guess i sort of view him as a little brother- someone that i want to protect somehow... but i wonder if he has ever wished just for a minute to be better looking that he is- or maybe he is a fortunate one- blind to what he looks like...
i watch him sometimes... when he comes over to our office, everyone says hi to him- everyone loves him--- the older women who have children treat him like one of his own--- they says things to him that you think are really bad compliments.. but they somehow know it will hit him in the heart... one asked him about his hair today and then after small talk told him how it was cool like eninem's (although i dont personally think the world of eninem, this boy might)... i listened and i thought- that was a lame compliment- but it was cute because she tried... but then i looked at the boys face... he was kind of humble and was said "cool" or something--- but as he walked away, the biggest grin spread across his face and he was just beaming--- it was sort of amazing...

i think i actually broke down last night... i woke up today and everything was different, a little darker... even the weather seemed to understand as the sleet fell mid afternoon. everything passed by in slow motion... as if i were only watching the day happen rather than living it.

sometimes it is a wonder to me how the rest of the world keeps on moving when your life falls apart... it makes me wonder if i am a good actress because no one sees... but would i want it any other way?? no- i wouldnt... that would be vulnerability.

i sit here... and the words said make me cry... you say i am beautiful... i cry...

i dont know how many times i have heard those words... and from how many mouths i cannot count...

i wish i were concieted and could view this as a good thing... maybe i am ungrateful... i dont know...
but i cry when i hear these words... i cry for everything not said in them... for everything not seen and not heard in me when when i hear them...

i want to be plain... i take care of myself... i dont pay special attention to any part of how i look... i dont try... and yet i get told i am beautiful...

i want to be plain--- i want them to listen to the words that come out of my mouth... to hear the thoughts in my head... i want them to care about what the rest of me is rather than just the outer layer... i hate the way i look--- when i look in the mirror... i dont always see what i am...but sometimes if i stare hard enough, i can see what others see... and i dont want to be that person... i hate being that person...

if i were ugly... i wonder how many things in my life would have happened as they did... i wonder if i would have to wonder why a person is around...

i also think that people are going to take this the wrong way... and think that i am concieted or ungrateful... or misjudging them...i dont know... i dont know how people are going to see this... all i want is to have people look at something that comes out of my head...

... there have been a few times of late that something has been said to me about my writing... and that feels good... i feel like a person...

... and i am not saying that i want more compliments... not at all... i am not saying i want anything at all... i just am saying that i am more... more than beautiful... more than looks... and one day... someone will notice that first...someone will...

i hate feeling this hateful towards anything i am...

it seems that as days pass i get more and more angry with the world. i wonder what has done me wrong and i can find no real thing. maybe i am just ready to get back to school or maybe there is some bigger issue at hand. i try to figure it out but it seems that i do not even have the time to do that. working full time is killing me and i dont know why... i did it all summer- that plus another part time job... and i lived through it--- but now-- i cannot wait for it to end. With all my time being occupied by something or another, I can never seem to find the energy to write on here anymore and so many thoughts have been running through my mind lately... a lot of them have been angry too... again, i do not know where this sudden anger is coming from- i have such a low tolerance of people lately.. and for some strange reason- the only people i can tolerate rather well right now is my family- typically thier shortness and lack of proper communication skills kills me... but right now... i am even patient with getting through to my father about his sexist/racial/homophobic slurs... but everyone else... i dont know... i cant stop looking at the world around me... i cant stop looking at what everyone is doing and i dont even know if i am looking at myself, but there must be some egocentrical comparing in there- nothing is measuring up... and i dont even know what the bar is...i wonder often lately, if i am so set on my world being happy that i am dismissing any possibility of unhappiness... and yet here i am... rather unhappy. supression maybe... maybe i have to take it sometime... i dont know...
i dont even know if i am writing the complete truth or if there is something deeper in there that is bothering me- i know that there is something more... i watch what is going on in my life... i look at what i have become... and i see what other people see me as... i dont want to be that person anymore... i feel like once again i lost me... trying so hard to figure out what it is all about, yet in the quest, i forgot me... and who i want to be... what i would give if for just one day i could live as the person i want to be and not as the person i am... i am not talking of a certian life or of riches or of love... but just me... nothing else... and being everything that i am inside... the things i know i am yet somehow i am still not comfortable enough to be... or it isnt even that... as i sit here typing i am slowing sorting everything in my mind... finding the order that is inherent to my being... i need that order... order/chaos... i pretend to be something i am not maybe--- or maybe it is just a smaller part of me... it is the big thing inside that scares me... i dont think that anything really scares me more than myself... face your fears they say... i complain about winter... i think that maybe i wont about to anything... i say that love scares me... but all any of it really is, is myself... i still dont know what i am or what i want... or what i am going to be... i am scared that i will never be what i want to be- as a person and that i will never be strong enough to stand up for what i want to be... i give in so easily to being wanted... because to be wanted is the single greatest feeling in the world... and even as scared as i am that i will end up alone... i am more afraid that i will settle... settle to being less than i am just so i will not be alone... i know that nothing i am doing right now is right for me... in the way of relationships... and yet i cannot admit this- i think that my standards might be too high or that there isnt anything better than what i have at the moment... or that if there is, i will never get it... i remember falling into this same trap when i was younger... believing that there was nothing better out there for me... but i cant believe fully that that is true... i know that growing up, i had little girl fantasies of being a princess and marrying the prince in a far off land... everything was sooo much more than everything that i am doing now... i want to scream that it wasnt supposed to be like this... but at the same time... this is exactly what i imagined it to be like... i look in the mirror now and i dont see the shy awkward face with oversized glasses and braids staring back at me... i see me grown up... do you ever look in the mirror and not believe it is you? i do that a lot... i still think of myself as someone from the past instead of me in there here and now... and when i do chance to glimse at what i am now- i am struck with both amazement and disgust. i remember when i was little i was never going to do any of what i am doing now- i didnt believe in sex before marriage, drugs were bad, and alochol... well i didnt even give that a thought... i want to be someone that i would want to look up to if i were still small... and i dont think that i fit that mold at all... i dont wonder about my willingness to change into that person, but i wonder about my ability to... whether or not i have the strength to maintain all of the ideals i would like to have...and it is odd... because i dont completely want to be that person either... i want the middle ground that i cannot seem to find...

i really dont know what writing this accomplished... i dont seem to feel any better... in fact, i feel more torn apart... but i said something...and i cant help to think that i am offending someone- even if that someone is only myself... and i still cant say i am being totally true... every second seems to be contradicting the last... as every thought that comes out on the paper does... but in my own head... they fit together... the contradictions make sense and even compliment each other... my head realizes that everything is contradiction... but the paper doesnt... writing it cannot make sense... and if i ever do make sense... even though that seems like a writing goal i should have... it doesnt seem right... like somethings... such as contradiction... should be left to a person... left in the head... maybe that is the one thing that we need to figure ourselves.. somethings... somethings, i dont know... and i am fine with that...

you know, maybe i do feel better... maybe i did figure something out... i think i always do in a round about way... and in the midst of all this complication, everythin is still right in the world... and i am happy... once again...

*smile*