How I fool myself. People are supposed to be happy... no one wants a sad person- so why would I ever let anyone see or anyone know. I fool myself. I try to be happy. I pretend that I am happy... There are moments- maybe they are real--- but maybe this overwhelming darkness inside of me is just lying low for a while. I thought that maybe I was all better. I was wrong. Everyday that I get through- everyday that I try to forget- It all builds in me- eating me up inside. How dark it is outside and only 6 something. How cold it is today- how cold it has been for so long. I wonder sometimes- I thought that I was over this. But I am not- I wonder- do I want to live the rest of my life like this? I have tried so hard to be healthy- to not have these thoughts- and yet the only thing I can think of is that blade- if there were ever a more effective way accessible- I dont know that I would be here typing this right now. I guess there are only two options left. One is to take medicine- i cannot do that. I will not do that. - the other- the other, I dont want to talk about...

I got my body and my mind on the same page--
and Honey, now-
Happiness is all the rage!
-The Promise Ring


There is rain outside, and yet I am happy. I have so much work to do- and yet I am happy. I am so poor right now--- And I am Happy. I have finially straightened out the one bit in my life that ate me up over and over again. There are so many things out there once again. :) I think spring is going to come soon- when we all get back from spring break- its going to be amazing, and i cannot wait. I worked out last night- I will admit that I havent worked out regularly for some time... and i am back on it... feels good...
Spring break--- is gonna be a little overwhelming- no i am not going to some exotic location or to do anything too terribly exciting- no I will be in and out of doctors offices--- getting retested to double check this whole thing- of course will my luck it is only going to be worse now and i am going to be diabetic- great, eh--- but on the upside they will put me back on medicine and this gross 20 pounds i have gained since october when my medicine ran out will go away--- eventually. :) and i can be normal again.
I can tell with all this superficial chatter that I am about to post on here that nothing is really bothering me... nothing is eating me. I think the big thing is the whole mind/body thing... that if you know me at all, you know what that refers to... but it is all settled.

Yeah- all is settled :)

I sit here and stare at my computer screen, contemplating writing this very short paper, somehow though, not really motivated to, despite its simplicity and easiness. Instead I concentrate on the tilt of my desk... how it seems to be rocking back and forth as if it were a boat on wind- blown waters- being tossed over the waves...

Just a short bout of dizziness, right. A shiver runs throught me, chickenbumps suddenly pop up... am i really cold? My left leg it fidgiting, but I have no desire to stop it in the solitude of my room late at night- who is my fidgiting going to bother here? Somehow the chills remind me of religion, to the realization that I do not have one- that I do not have something to believe--- Yes, there is a higher power... but where they are or who they are.... or what they are doing... i dont know... i never will... religion... yeah that is a life time experiment all in itself...

Sigh... late night--- paper. I have to write. I have to write about little kids enjoying nature... mmm hmm... yeah... I hate critiquing things... in all my pessimism, I am an eternal optimist... I never look for the bad in stuff... therefore becoming oblivious to what it is I am supposed to critique.

Yes, here in these few minutes, in these last two entries, I have far exceeded the amount I would need to write on topic for the paper... sigh....

Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself as if you were someone else watching you? You see your movements, your words... and you see something that never realized before. I didnt really see all of this on my own- some people hinted to me... my best friend straight out told me... But yes, there is some huge bitterness inside of me. Do you remember the beginning when all of these were so happy? Those really good entries... what ever happened to those. What happened to all the joy and happiness?

I remember being a kid and I remember who I started to become... I remember this history class back in Connecticut--- it was only grade school... but it was the hardest class. Every week we would have a quiz- and every 2 or something like that there was a test. If you did the best on one of these, you would be given special recognition... same if you got 100, but that was seemingly rare- usually only one person if any... I remember being that one kid in my class. I remember how that felt, how it felt to be something, to know that you were accomplishing something, actually moving foreward and getting somewhere. I remember moving- I remember getting my first c, and my first b. Somehow I desintigrated... but I think I came back... 7th grade I was back at straight a's... got one final grade of a b in 8th but still good... 9th grade.. all a's... until I moved again... again i desinigrated... took longer to bounce back that time... I dont think I did quite to the same level... moved again in 11th... I dont think i ever recovered from that... and I am not just talking about grades here- they only illustrate the whole thing...

I am talking about this void- this static existance that moves neither backwards nor forwards... and maybe it wouldnt be so bad if I never took the time to realize it... but I do. I see everything revolving around me and there I stand... getting lost in all the commotion... some people falling out- wasting thier lives, others moving on- making it. But I am doing neither. Just standing here...

I dont blame anything for this... I talk about the moving breaking me down, but shouldnt I have been stronger than that? I think I should have. A lot of people go through that and are ok with everything... me- I just turn out as this totally introspective package of nerves that hardly has the passion to figure out what she wants to do with her life and definitely not enough to love anyone...

Somehow everything I write on here seems to try into every other thing... they bounce off and around each other... one leading to the next and back to the beginning only to end up somewhere on the otherside- but never reaching the end.

Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself as if you were someone else watching you?... I do. and I frustrate myself.

FIRECRACKER---

Enough...
of it all

get away from here
away from this

Firecracker...
BURST
EXPLODE

so quick
so far away

Firecracker...

wow- i am drunk as hell... and yes i can still type- one of the many virtues i have...dont be so surprised...

so there is a boy that loves me...
and there is a guy i like... he's more than a boy...

sigh...

yeah....bizarre love triangle