i hate writing on here. i read it over and realize that the person i am representing is not who i want to be. whether to stop writing on here for a while or to shut this down is beyond me. I dont think a lot any more, at least not about anything important. I am waiting to somehow catch up with life. Seems that everything is moving a little faster than i ever expected it to. I dont really know what i am waiting for though. Lack of motivation and laziness... the laziness of dealing with things. Caving into nothingness instead of coping with the feelings that come back and haunt me again and again. At times I wonder how I got this far in life and I know that if I continue this way, I am not going to get very much further. Contemplating suicide isn't gone for good, but while I have something to live for, I have to figure out some way to deal with all these things. Writing is not an answer. Because I put my innermost feelings on paper doesn't mean I deal with them- but that is what I am going to do now. And at this moment, this weblog repulses me. My own words and the feelings I reveal on half of it and the feelings I am afraid to reveal, even me- the perception that those thoughts will create about me cause this to be the last entry (at least for a while) on monkithoughts.
bye... for now...